MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they’re appealing in theory, you’ll soon start to feel it’s oppression of the workers.

Hot desking

It sounds like the ultimate egalitarian set-up. Every desk is free to everyone. That is until you book yourself onto Lynne’s desk that no one ever said was Lynne’s desk but you should have known was Lynne’s desk. The silent disapproval will be so bad you’ll start to internalise it. How could you be such a bitch to Lynne, you horrible, horrible person?

Free snacks

Nothing better demonstrates how pathetic and easily-bought humans are than free food. After a week the office will be a seething pit of resentment over who gets the best stuff – which in this case is just donuts with sprinkles – while the losers in the system will compensate by going round proclaiming they wouldn’t eat something with that much sugar in anyway.

Cycle-to-work scheme

The ice caps may be melting, but even Greta Thunberg couldn’t stay civil towards a co-worker who turns up in stinking lycra every morning yet manages to be smug about it.

Dog-friendly offices

It was tricky enough trying to keep track of which of your coworkers hate each other. Now you also need to consider which of their dogs can’t be kept in the same room due to them fighting or f**king or both. Also, hearing that French bulldog breathe puts everyone on edge because it’s as if Darth Vader is standing in the room.

Celebrating cultural days

You thought you were doing a good thing by suggesting the office get in some nice food and decorations to mark Eid and widen everyone’s cultural understanding. Now you’re on the cusp of a nervous breakdown trying to coordinate everyone’s allergies for your World Cleanup Day buffet lunch. Don’t forget they’ve come to expect booze and will complain like bastards if there isn’t any.

Remote working

If your workplace is committed to this, why not just go for a full Stanford Prison Experiment? Watch as the divide deepens between those in the office and those who ‘can’t be bothered to come in’. Irrational feelings of tribalism and hatred for ‘the other’ are growing by the day. At least when they try to murder the other group at the Christmas party it will give HR something to do for once.