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Six texts you can cheerfully write off as bank fraud

GOT any of these texts? No need to reply, just assume it’s fraudsters trying to drain your account, which it kind of is.

‘Hi mum, lost my phone, texting from mate’s number, can you WhatsApp me URGENT!’

Scammers use this formula to steal parents’ savings by claiming to be their child in trouble, which clears you to ignore it entirely even if you know it’s your child. Perhaps next time they’re on MDMA at a retro foam party they’ll look after their f**king phone.

‘Hey! Not heard from you in ages, want to meet? This is me BTW’

Accompanied by a hot-but-credible photo? That’s a scammer. Or if it’s not technically a scammer and you vaguely recognise the sender from Glastonbury, they’re attempting to milk you for drinks, meals out, sex and accommodation. Or ‘a relationship’ as they call it.

‘Your package is on its way, click here to track progress’

What parcel? You haven’t ordered anything. Or if you did it was when you were on eBay blackout drunk, chasing down the Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart WWF figure you still regret swapping in 1994, and if it never arrives you can claim the money back.

‘Hi’

Wrong number scams like this come from scammers trying to draw you into conversation so they can con you into investing in cryptocurrency. Or old friends or ex-partners on new numbers trying to tempt you back into their avaricious clutches. Don’t fall for it.

‘Fancy going for a pint next Wednesday?’

Purports to be from someone you know and even spoofs their number. But must be fake because you don’t like this person or want to go to the pub with them because you’d end up buying at least half the drinks and what’s in it for you? Fun? Companionship? Scam.

‘Hi it’s Mum, I could really do with getting back that £830 you owe me’

Just coming straight out and asking for money? Who’d fall for that? Yes the number’s right, you owe your mum that exact sum after losing your phone, and the querulous, wounded tone is dead on. But you can’t afford to be down £830. Delete and block the number.

Britain is broken, declares man whose bus is nine minutes late

A MAN whose bus arrived nine minutes late has declared this is further proof that the UK is a failed state.

Tom Logan, whose 176 bus was delayed due to planned roadworks and traffic lights, said the delay was symptomatic of Britain’s decline from a leading nation to a lawless state like South Sudan.

After paying for his journey almost instantly by tapping a credit card on a reader, Logan expressed his dismay to his wife on his mobile phone with fully functioning 5G reception.

He said: “Everything is utterly broken beyond repair thanks to decades of gross neglect.

“Nothing works. I’m stranded here on a cosy, heated bus with nothing to do but eat a Twix I bought effortlessly in ten seconds from a vending machine as I head to my computer-based job where IT problems are remarkably rare. 

“We’re a banana republic without the sunshine. Worse, we’re close to complete social breakdown. I had to put in a call to British Gas about the bill yesterday. You can expect to wait 30 minutes on hold for that.

“Actually it was resolved after five minutes. But it’s an indictment of the broken system that I expected a longer wait.

“I still had to be on the safe side by visiting his toilet to urinate and flush it away using a fully operational sewage system in case I was on the phone for ages.”

Anticipating complete systemic collapse, Logan has built a bunker at the bottom of his garden filled with tinned goods from shops with mostly effective supply chains.

He went on: “It collapsed due to moderate rain making the ground soggy. I blame the dysfunctional Met Office which failed to predict it.”

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