C&A own-brand trainers, and other things that made you gay at school in the 90s

WERE you accused of being gay for wearing the wrong trainers while the other lads rolled around wrestling each other? You might have done these things too, you bender.

Wearing C&A own-brand trainers

Wearing shoes that deviated from what was considered cool by a bunch of hormonally-addled, neanderthal teenagers, ie. Nike Air Max 180s, was very gay. Even worse were trainers with no branding that your classmates would steal and throw on top of a bus shelter while reminding you of your preference for men’s arses.

Being good at any subject other than PE

Any school subject that didn’t involve getting sweaty with other boys then having a shower together was gay. Being top of the class was what clinical psychologists define as ‘mega-gay’. However you got decent exam results and now have a large house and attractive female partner. Which is totally gay.

Liking indie music

Did you like music that wasn’t the violent, misogynistic rap popular in the 90s? Did you enjoy Pulp’s witty lyrics or Nirvana’s angsty anthems? You were gay and so was Kurt Cobain. The only guitar band lads were allowed to like was Oasis. Even now they sometimes have a drunken weep to Wonderwall. That’s not gay though because Noel and Liam were always twatting each other with a tambourine like real men.

Being friends with girls

Hanging out with girls was extremely gay, when you could have been doing rampantly heterosexual things like wedgies and playing chase the soggy biscuit. However you did learn how to act around women and by 16 had a girlfriend, unlike your non-gay mates still having an intense sexual relationship with a crispy sock.

Being in the school play

Being in a school play, even if you were playing someone uber-macho like Stanley Kowalski from A Streetcar Named Desire, was gayer than Julian Clary in the eyes of your male peers. What they were too thick to realise though was that you were the one boy on stage with a bunch of girls, who lusted after your sensitive nature. And even if you were genuinely gay, you didn’t have to hang out with a bunch of bellends at lunchtime.

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The six photos on your phone you never want people to see

SHOWING a friend a photo on your phone? You’re probably sweating bullets they don’t swipe through and see these shameful images…

Dick pic

Every phone contains at least one photo of an erect penis. It could be yours, or it could be the unsolicited engorged member of a horny Tinder match. Either way, it always seems to be archived right next to the delightful photo of a cat your friend is currently looking at. Snatch your phone back weirdly quickly before they start swiping through.

Draft selfies

Not the relatively average ones you post on Instagram for all of two likes. No, these are the photos that didn’t make the cut due to showcasing your double chin, receding hairline or yellowy teeth. There are dozens cluttering your phone because it takes a lot of trial and error to make you look semi-decent.

Photos of your meals

Photos of meals out are embarrassing enough. But the photos on your phone aren’t even a gourmet meal, it’s a freshly microwaved Rustlers Meatless Maverick and a chicken and mushroom Pot Noodle. Was your life really so empty that day? Yes, and it still is.

Screenshots of you bitching about them

Bitching used to be ephemeral, like happiness. Thanks to WhatsApp though it’s as permanent as chiselling your words into a stone tablet. Delete them regularly or you’ll get into trouble. Written down, an instantly forgotten ‘X is talking crap’ sounds like you genuinely hate them and their opinions and wish they’d f**k off and die in a cave somewhere.

Porn

Even if you’ve deleted any porn a couple of images are bound to be lurking unnoticed, until someone segues from a picture of a pretty church in the Cotswolds you visited to hot MILF stepdaughter action. Just pray it’s not anything too weird, eg. Scooby-Doo bondage dungeon porn.

Weird, random shit

Normal people have photos of nice things like flowers and their happy family. You have photos of a dog shit you thought looked like Prince William, a keyed car you saw in town and a two pigeons shagging on a bin. Nothing outright wrong, but you might not want to let a date look at your photos while you’re in the bog.

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