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Britain's Silicon Valley not to be in North for unexplained reasons

THE Labour government has elected not to create the UK’s Silicon Valley between Manchester and Liverpool, for reasons as yet unrevealed. 

Despite the North being Labour’s heartland and in urgent need of economic regeneration, the government has instead opted to place a corridor of high-tech innovation that requires an educated workforce between Oxford and Cambridge.

Steve Malley of Salford said: “Apart from anything else it’s hardly even a valley. Cambridge is bloody fenland.

“We’ve cities up here. They could have gone Manchester-Liverpool, Manchester-Leeds or even Leeds-Sheffield at a push. Now that one covers some varied topographic terrain.

“And when it comes to understanding computers we’re second to none. Our Bailey’s a f**king whiz on the internet. He can download shows that haven’t even made it to Sky, and not to blow my own trumpet but in the 90s I had a sideline chipping PlayStations.

“We might not have the degrees but we’ll roll up our sleeves and get stuck in, that’s for sure. They’ve had eggheads working on quantum computing for decades and they’ve got nowhere. Time to hand it over to the grafters.”

Rachel Reeves said: “We’ve not given it to you because we’re saving something special for you that’s really suited to your talents. Let me just think what that is.”

Mulholland Drive, and other films you claim to love but you don't understand

IF the sad loss of David Lynch has spurred you to say you adore films that baffle you, you are far from alone. Never admit that these movies left you utterly bewildered: 

Mulholland Drive (2001)

A bona fide masterpiece, as long as nobody’s next to you going ‘what’s happening now? Who’s that cowboy? Why are they doing that?’ Mutter vaguely about ‘dream logic’ and ‘non-linear image-based storytelling’ while avoiding the simple truth about the film: the first half is a load of bollocks while the second half is utter guff.

Tenet (2020)

You tell everyone that Tenet is a fascinating thought experiment, but what you really mean is that you tried to follow it, even using a guide off the internet, and failed. The bit with the red and blue rooms gave you a migraine. Apparently the wife is moving forwards in time while the kidnappers are moving backwards. Or the other way around.

Blade Runner (1982)

Interpreting Blade Runner is not helped by there being multiple different versions, all with their adherents. How many replicants have escaped? Nobody knows. Is Deckard a replicant? Possibly. Does Harrison Ford give the impression that he regrets being in this movie? Definitely. Would reading the book help? Absolutely not.

Donnie Darko (2001)

So confusing it needed a whole website to provide additional clues. With its moody vibe and retro-indie soundtrack, it was the epitome of cool in 2001. Unfortunately, you mistook ‘cool’ for ‘good’ and decided the ambiguity of the movie made it deep and meaningful. In fact it was as shallow as its model-dating, Swift-dumping star turned out to be.

Primer (2004) 

The film attempts to depict how complicated and messy time travel would be, leading you to misinterpret incomprehensibility for intellectual heft. It might make sense to someone, but they’re busy working on the Large Hadron Collider. You’re pretty sure there’s a twist at the end but you’ve no f**king idea what it is. Though praised it as ‘genius’ regardless.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Deliberately enigmatic, you have no idea what’s going on after a certain point and are pretty sketchy about the lead-up. What is the monolith telling us? Can the giant space baby that’s poised to invade Earth at the end be fought off with lasers? Was Stanley Kubrick, as many were at the time, simply extremely high?

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