subscribe
/ Sign Out

Billionaire finally gets to look down on entire Earth

A BILLIONAIRE has finally achieved his dream of looking down on the entire world’s population while shaking his head condescendingly.

Jared Isaacman, who is worth $1.9 billion because he founded an online payments processing company aged 16 while you watched Friends and ate crisps, stepped into space, looked at the blue jewel of Earth below him and sneered.

The 41-year-old said: “Look at you. You really are nothing compared to me.

“I’m here floating in space, going down in history as the first ever civilian spacewalk, and all I’m thinking of is how tiny and pathetic you are, stuck clinging to your rock like microbes to dung.

“There are whole nations whirling by below me who I can outspend. Whole oceans whose only purpose is to provide a backdrop for me and my yacht. The Earth truly is my plaything.

“This cost me $300 million dollars, but it’s worth it. To finally be as high above all those losers in reality as I’ve always been in spirit? To know the assholes who bullied me at school are down there and I’m up here? Priceless.”

He added: “I asked if it would be possible to urinate on the entire planet, but apparently I’m already drinking it.”

Thom Yorke attempt to talk woman off bridge 'could have ended better'

AFTER Jon Bon Jovi successfully prevented a suicide attempt on a bridge, Radiohead’s Thom Yorke has attempted to do likewise with slightly less positive results.

When the singer saw Charlotte Phelps standing precariously on the edge of a suspension bridge, he clambered over safety barriers and began talking to her, in a brave and selfless act that vastly increased her feelings of futility and alienation. 

Onlooker Martin Bishop said: “Thom began reassuring her that we all sometimes think the world is a dark and empty place, especially after listening to Kid A.

“He was illustrating his points with lyrics from songs like No Surprises and Just. You know, the one where the guy in the video lies down on the pavement in a catatonic state because he’s realised it doesn’t ultimately matter whether we live or die?

“The woman was nodding so I assumed Thom was getting through to her. Then she said, ‘Yes, death sounds good.’ Then she jumped off with a cheerful ‘Thanks, Thom. Good luck with the next album!’

“Thom did his best but in the end it was futile, like everything in life, which I know from listening to Radiohead. Are there any bridges round here, by the way?”

Phelps, who miraculously survived the fall with only two broken legs, 18 fractured ribs, severe concussion and a punctured lung, said she had since changed her mind about killing herself.

She said: “I’ve realised that in comparison to Thom I’m actually an annoyingly cheerful, relentlessly optimistic person. Poor guy.”

Next story ›