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Beloved dog would be annoying, needy attention-seeker if it was human

A DOG whose quirks are uncritically adored by its owners would be an absolute nightmare if it was a human being.

Spaniel Lucy, aged three, is believed by her family to be loyal, affectionate and cute in canine form, but would be the worst individual you had ever met if she was a person.

Owner Helen Archer said: “Isn’t she wonderful? When I’m at home she’s forever at my feet, making a sweet little whining sound, and if I sit down she immediately clambers into my lap and starts licking my face.

“If I turn my attention away from her for a single second she starts barking. And if we go for a walk and I stop to pet another dog she gets incredibly aggressive and tries to bite them and me. She’s so devoted, it’s incredible.

“Obviously, if she was a person and she acted like this I’d think she was desperate, insecure and toxic, and would never want to go for a coffee with her, let alone allow her to live in my house. 

“Especially if she pissed on the floor on a regular basis, like Lucy does.

“I guess the difference between Lucy the dog and Lucy the human is that the dog can’t talk. Being able to speak is what makes people unbearable.

“I might stop doing it and see if someone gives me free food every day.”

'What's the matter, too pussy for this good shit?' How to market pumpkin spice lattes to men

MEN are simple creatures who can easily be convinced to do anything. Here’s how to sell them even the most feminine of beverages.

Imply they’re not man enough for it

Men will go to great lengths to prove that they are alpha chads who are not intimidated by anything, even if the thing in question is drinking a coffee aimed at mums and makeup influencers. A brash slogan like ‘What’s the matter, too pussy for this good shit?’ will get men desperately banging on the windows of Starbucks for a steaming cup of fragile masculinity juice.

Hire the people who shoot car adverts

Whatever they’re doing, it’s working. A flurry of shots showcasing a pumpkin spice latte roaring around winding coastal roads, complete with snappy close-ups of its frothy surface and sleek takeaway cup may sound ridiculous, but the evidence suggests it will speak directly to the part of a man’s brain which says ‘I must purchase that’.

Put product placement in pornography

Marketing is all about putting your product directly in front of your target demographic. And nowhere are there more men than the debauched corners of pornography websites. Get Angela White to blow a barista who is awkwardly holding a pumpkin spice latte to the camera and men will be subliminally inclined to start drinking them.

Hype up its efficiency

Men love drinking Huel because they can drone on endlessly about its nutritional content. Plus it saves them from having to make an actual meal which takes forever and involves a lot of washing up. If pumpkin spice lattes were to follow this lead and market themselves as a squash-infused hydration shake that’s low in fat and high in sodium, they’ll be the drink of choice of tech bro dickheads everywhere.

Photograph a sexy naked lady drinking one

Traditional pumpkin spice latte marketing revolves around cosy, wholesome women wearing bobble hats gently cradling their takeaway cups in crisp autumnal parks. To make them appeal to men, advertisers need to stoop to the aesthetics of lads’ mags. A few snaps of Scarlett Johansson in her pants seductively licking the cinnamony foam from her lips ought to do it.

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