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Woman's helpful friend tells her all the bad stuff everyone says behind her back

A WOMAN’S considerate friend has made her day by giving her a handy summary of all the awful things people secretly say about her.

Emma Bradford, 38, was unaware of the hurtful, petty remarks until close friend Lauren Hewitt helpfully ended her blissful ignorance.

Mrs Bradford said: “I used to think no one had a bad word to say about me. I was totally oblivious and happy. It was lovely. Luckily Lauren showed me that was a load of bullshit.

“It turns out people say all sorts of horrible things about me. Rob in accounts said I have an ‘unfortunate face’. Joanna said I’ve got an ‘arse like a bin lorry’. Sophie, who was a bridesmaid at my wedding, said I’m a ‘stupid arsehole who only thinks about themselves’.

“It didn’t stop there. Apparently my boss thinks I might be ‘better off somewhere else’, and my padded winter coat makes me look like the Very Hungry Caterpillar. Somehow that hurts the most.

“I’d have had no idea if Lauren hadn’t been such a good friend and told me. Look, I’m weeping tears of gratitude.”

Hewitt, 36, said: “I think it’s important to tell your friends everything, even when those things are completely devastating and it serves no purpose whatsoever. Still, it might encourage Emma to do something about her unfortunate face.”

Elbow, and other band names that sound shitter the more you think about them

‘THE Beatles’ is a band name so embedded in popular culture no one ever mentions what a f**king awful pun it is. Here are some more terrible names we’ve all ignored.

Oasis

The name isn’t an allusion to finding an authentic band in a cultural desert, they’re named after Swindon leisure centre. Did the Gallaghers think a symbol of late-stage capitalist, leisure-obsessed society was clever and postmodern? No. Liam saw it on an Inspiral Carpets tour poster. 

Elbow

Why? Why did they choose this? Presumably it was a jokey placeholder name from when they first got together and it accidentally ended up on a poster. Because if they think it is a good name that people respect and enjoy, they are wrong. Plus it’s encouraging idiots to think Ankle, Kneecap and Toenail are good band names.

The Beatles

The Beatles didn’t invent shit band names, but they perpetuated them. John Lennon thought of ‘The Beetles’ in homage to Buddy Holly’s band The Crickets and then changed it to include a musical pun of the kind that only your dad, depressingly, thinks is funny.

Wet Wet Wet

What were they thinking? This crappy moniker – an incredibly obscure reference to a Scritti Politti song –  would probably have sunk the band if they hadn’t happened to have a mega-smash with an equally crappy cover of ‘Love Is All Around’, all thanks to a film that was almost as sickening as the band name.

Limp Bizkit

Is it the name of Fred Durst’s dog Bizkit who happened to have a limp? Or is it the name of a disturbing game beloved of young men that involves wanking onto a digestive? Either way it’s a shit name for a band, and the now 52-year old Fred should be mortally ashamed to still be performing under it.

Arctic Monkeys

Arctic Monkeys is a fun name for a local band in 2002, but terrible for a super-stylish bunch of almost 40-year olds in 2023. Alex Turner has since written film soundtracks and dated fashion icon Alexa Chung, so should be mortified to still have the kind of band name thought up by wasted teenagers after a couple of cans of Strongbow Dark Fruit and a spliff.

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