subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman's gay best friend can't f**king stand her

A WOMAN who claims to have a gay best friend actually vaguely knows a homosexual man who does not like her, it has emerged.

Joanna Kramer firmly believes that pal Jack Browne is her loyal homosexual sidekick, as seen on TV, who loves nothing more than to hear about her problems while mixing negronis.

She said: “Jack and I are just fabulous together! We have so much in common, like fancying Chris Hemsworth and loving Abba. We’re like twin souls!

“Our shopping trips and our prosecco brunches, where I unload about my dating nightmares and he shows me all the men he’s meeting on Grinder, are legendary. We’re trading sassy clapbacks!

“It just makes you wonder why all the good ones are gay? Honestly if he wasn’t, I’d marry him.”

Jack said: “Best friends? What the f**k is she on about?”

“We only meet up every three months and even then she doesn’t know the first thing about me. All our conversations revolve around her and her boring love life. And I hate brunch and do all my shopping online because I’m not a minor character from Sex And The City.

“Honestly? I’d take straight-up homophobia over being best mates with Joanna. At least the homophobes get drunk and blow you.”

Five local funfair experiences that are pretty f**king far from fun

THE arrival of summer means it’s time for the annual visit of a travelling funfair. Here are some ways in which it will be dreadful:

Dodgems

A useful experience for those wishing to find out about the effects of mild concussion. Under a live electric mesh canopy, tiny cars are hurtled around by maniacs and apprentice Audi drivers, gleefully ignoring the name of the ride and colliding as hard as possible with everyone, including grannies and small children.

Waltzer

Sitting in a booth that spins around on its central axis while rapidly orbiting another central axis is a vile experience. Add in the sensory overload of blaring music, flashing lights and a grinning bloke spinning the booths even faster, and you’ll definitely want to vomit. But that doesn’t stop you going back for more each year.

Round Up

Also known as Zero Gravity or the Biscuit Tin, this ride has no straps or buckles and relies solely on centrifugal force to pin you in place as it spins rapidly around. Will it fall off its axle and send you rolling to your death in a nearby housing estate? It looks like it was built in 1952, so it’s a distinct possibility.

Hook-a-duck

A rubbish fishing game that your youngest is desperate to try as they might win a teddy. However, they have little dexterity and the game is obviously fixed in some way, so you end up with a bitterly disappointed child having a massive tantrum in 30 degree heat. Not fun. Not fun at all.

Hideous food

There is nothing available to eat that isn’t disturbingly high in sugar, saturated fat or salt, but the children refuse to consume the sandwiches you thoughtfully packed when surrounded by all these delicious treats. They eat a dinner of hot dogs, candy floss and sticks of rock, before going on something called The Terror Twister and then being copiously sick in the car.

Next story ›