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'What are you thinking?' and five other questions boyfriends never ask

DATING a progressive and thoughtful man? Convinced he’s not like all the other pigs? He still won’t ask these questions:

‘What are you thinking?’

Unless he’s exclaiming this question in furious disbelief as you try to fill up your diesel car with petrol, your boyfriend will never wonder what’s going on in your brain. That’s because he assumes your thought processes are as sporadic and sex-obsessed as his, with the odd blip where you wonder what Jason Statham’s up to these days.

‘Shall we visit your parents?’

Your boyfriend met your folks once two years ago, and is unlikely to request a reunion. If he does ask to meet up with them, it’s a huge red flag as he’s clearly trying to distract from some heinous crime. Dump him the second this question leaves his mouth.

‘Can I make it all about you tonight?’

A nice question, but fortunately never asked as your boyfriend learnt about sex through old issues of FHM, meaning you’d be in for an hour of awkward fumbling vaguely near your clitoris while he mentally pictures Carmen Electra. Much better to have a quickie and get back to watching Manifest.

Isn’t it my turn to clean everything?

Even though you make a loud performance of doing the hoovering, the washing up and the toilet bleaching, it will never occur to a boyfriend that he needs to help balance the scales. As far as he’s concerned, occasionally flushing the loo and talking about mowing the lawn counts as doing his bit.

‘Can we watch a Jane Austen adaptation?’

Has your boyfriend banged his head recently? Or does he mean Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? Because these are the only two reasons he would ask to sit through a film based on a Jane Austen novel. If he asks to watch Clueless then marry him instantly because the man’s got taste.

Are you enough of a freak to be an MP? Take our quiz

YOU dream of amassing power while pretending to serve the nation but are you duplicitous, egotistical and downright odd enough? Find out. 

The nation is facing an unprecedented crisis. Are you the person to put it right?

A) Of course not. I have no experience of a multi-department government machine with the power to alter the lives of millions.

B) Abso-bloody-lutely. I have no experience of running anything but I’m arrogant enough to think I can fix everything, mainly in ways that benefit me.

Are you an honest person?

A) I try to be but occasionally stretch the truth to get myself out of trouble or save someone’s feelings.

B) I try to be. Actually, that’s a complete lie. I mostly tell people what I think they want to hear on the basis they might like me more.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

A) A slightly older, less attractive version of myself.

B) A multitude of faked emotions, for example the pained expression that could be useful for a natural disaster or old person in distress. My favourite is the fixed and resolute stare I’m saving for a terrorist attack.

Do you have strong political convictions?

A) I tend to vote for the party I think will steady the economy, help the weakest in society and give people a fair deal.

B) F**k yeah. Big government, small state, economic liberalism, redistribution of wealth, lower taxes, nuclear disarmament. There isn’t a political principle I’m not prepared to follow to satisfy my carnivorous lust for power.

What are your sexual preferences?

A) Steady on, this is getting a bit weird. Not really any of your business.

B) Now we’re talking. Piggate, Monicagate, over the gate. You gate it, I’ll shag it.

Answers

Mostly As: Unfortunately you’re too normal. Return to your ordinary life and stay there quietly.

Mostly Bs: You are a weird and awful human. Time to prepare for government.

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