subscribe
/ Sign Out

Six things you don't have to bother with in a long-term relationship

A LASTING relationship is a great opportunity to let things slide and revert to being a slovenly beast. Here’s how to make the most of relationship ‘Easy Street’.

Interesting conversation

You were once quite good company, with your jokes and moderately original insights into films and politics. But it was tiring and you’ve snared your partner now, so tonight you’ll be having a conversation about which bin day it is tomorrow. It’ll be grindingly dull, but zero effort is required and that’s the main thing. 

Good manners

Learn from miserable older couples who long ago stopped saying ‘Sorry I didn’t catch that, darling’ in favour of rudely shouting ‘WHAT?’. Table manners can go too. Stuffing food in your gob like a monkey is fine, along with belching and farting during a meal. You won’t be sitting at the dining table anyway, you’ll be slumped in front of the telly in old boxer shorts that are now more skidmark than cloth.

Sexual experimentation

Sexual adventurousness is considered a good thing, but what about sexual efficiency? After years together you’ll know which buttons to press, or rub, for a speedy orgasm. Taking your socks off is erotic enough. If your partner expects more they clearly have a pathological sex obsession and need psychiatric help.

New clothes

Everyone looks good in a well-fitting dress or brand new menswear. But now you can live in shapeless sweatshirts or an old Def Leppard t-shirt. If you’re married, what’s your partner going to do? Divorce you and traumatise the kids? As if. Slip into your jogging bottoms with unpleasant yellow crotch stains and chill.

Spending time with their friends 

Remember feigning interest as your partner’s mate Iain droned on about ‘funny’ things that happen in IT support? Or you had to look sad for Clare who was heartbroken again due to consistently dating narcissistic serial cheaters? It seems so long ago, thank f**k. Now you can just not bother to meet them and hang out with your new friends, the Targaryens. They’re so much more interesting.

Telling the truth 

Not so much big lies, eg. ‘I’m definitely not shagging your best friend.’ More the feeble daily lies about stuff you’re going to do but don’t, like cooking a nice dinner or finally assembling that flatpack book case. By now your partner has you down as a useless, unreliable twat and they love you just the same. Maybe ‘love’ is too strong a word. ‘Is too old and fat to find someone new’ is more accurate.

How to get autumn body ready

SUMMER is over, but is your body ready for the drab misery of autumn? Get in shape with these tips.

Eat lots of pies

Your toned summer physique will be useless against the drizzly ravages of autumn. Quickly put on layers of insulating flab by scoffing too many pies, chips, and any other food liable to knacker your arteries. Don’t forget to cancel the gym membership you never use either. The money you save can be spent on doughnuts.

Avoid sunlight

Want to fit in with all the other miserable-looking alabaster f**kers drinking pumpkin spice lattes this autumn? Cultivate a suitably pale complexion even the most hardcore of goths would envy by avoiding any and all natural light. If your tan won’t fade in time, try dabbing some talcum powder over the bronzed areas.

Catch a cold

No autumn body would be complete without a constant runny nose and flaky skin around the nostrils. To create this signature look, ask a friend’s child to sneeze directly into your face a few dozen times then go for a walk in the rain. With any luck you’ll wake up the next day with a healthy cold, or even better, pneumonia.

Buy the ugliest knitwear

A common mistake amongst amateurs. Even if you’ve piled on the pounds and are snivelling all the time, your autumn body will be incomplete without unflattering woollen jumpers and fingerless gloves that make you look like a Depression era hobo. Definitely invest in some snoods to look like a criminal or a terrorist.

Grow out all your body hair

Nobody will be seeing anything below your neck until April next year at the earliest, so you’re free to let your legs, armpits and pubic region go feral. Not only is this a peak autumn body aesthetic, but the lengths of matted hair will provide protection from the damp and cold. Just make sure you have a scythe ready to hack it all off come spring.

Next story ›