IN the modern age, we should be better than mocking accents. But whose fault is it? Ours, or regional simpletons with funny voices? Here’s a top ten rundown:
10. Yokel
You’d think people who talked like their trousers are tied at the knees with harvesting twine were a thing of the past. But they’re still out there, gradually taking over cities like Bristol and Oxford, where they think lightbulbs are witchcraft.
9. Liverpudlian
Mockery of the Scouse accent has just caused the citizens of Liverpool to double down. In a half-time Sky analysis Jamie Carragher will spray enough phlegm to make the players stick to the pitch.
8. Geordie
Attempts at assimilation have proved futile and the Geordie accent remains as impenetrable as the consonant-free chatter of remote Amazonian tribes. Who have a longer life expectancy and healthier diet of poisonous tree frogs.
7. Yorkshire
However harmless the intentions of a Yorkshireman, the accent implies that he’s asking you into the car park for a fight. It may also be used for ‘straight talking’ and self-regarding comments like ‘I say as I see’, in which case they can stick a black pudding up their arse.
6. Welsh
The Welsh regard life as a musical. It’s not so much an accent as bursting into song every time you open your mouth.
5. Stoke
You won’t recognise the accent because, like all of us, you’ve never been to Stoke-on-Trent. Also involves totally mangling the English language, eg. ‘I’m going make us dinners, duck.’ Robbie Williams had to spend ten years at a finishing school before being admitted to Take That.
4. Scottish
Want to sound drunk even when you’re sober? Sorted.
3. Posh
Big, broad, galloping vowels honking out some crap about Tamara’s start-up or skiing holidays. May decrease in popularity as an accent if the ruling class is slaughtered en masse like 18th century French aristocrats in the next few years.
2. Mancunian
You will never live Oasis down, nor will ever you be forgiven. Whinging dimwit Noel Gallagher? He is your god.
1. Brummie
You’re kind, good-natured and no doubt intelligent people but your accent is so bad if you invented a cure for cancer all the other scientists would think you were taking the mick and laugh. Also Adrian Chiles is a Brummie, so you owe the rest of the UK compensation.
