IS there a new girlfriend in your life? Make sure you’re prepared to field these questions about your ex she’ll be interrogating you with.
Was she prettier than me?
In reality, yes, by a country mile, to the extent that new girlfriend feels like downgrading from an iPhone 16 Pro Max to a secondhand Blackberry. Probably don’t share that metaphor with her. Instead flatter her with something like: ‘How could anyone be prettier than you?’ It’s hard not to bask in a compliment, although brutally honest new girlfriends will now have you down as a bit of a massive sickening creep.
How long were you together?
The answer is nearly three years, but don’t be so bloody stupid as to tell the truth. She’ll correctly guess your ex was the love of your life and you’d be running back at the click of her fingers. However, saying ‘a couple of months’ will get you marked down as a shag-happy cavalier who only wants to get in her knickers. The correct middle-ground answer is ‘about a year’. But for f**k’s sake remove any historical evidence to the contrary on your social media accounts. She’ll check.
Who dumped who?
Well that’s reopened a wound. Thanks for that, sweetness. New girl must never know old girl chucked you out with the rubbish as soon as a better offer came along. Telling her it was a mutual decision is less humiliating and might even make you sound mature and grown-up. The slight drawback is that these days everyone realises ‘mutual decision’ is a face-saving, cliched lie. Maybe it happened like that. Maybe OJ didn’t kill Nicole Simpson.
Did you love her?
You were, and still are, utterly besotted with her, but keep that under wraps. Nothing will kill your new squeeze’s sex drive quicker than suspecting you’re imagining your ex while you’re humping. Something non-committal like ‘It wasn’t really that kind of relationship’ or ‘We were more friends than anything’ ought to put her off the scent. So long as she can make out the words amongst the choked sobs.
What was she like in bed?
Like an electric eel on steroids, but new girlfriend doesn’t need to know that, unless you want to get dumped on the spot. Adopt the air of an upstanding Jane Austen gentleman and assert that talking about such matters is disrespectful. If your girlfriend has any sense she’ll realise this will preclude you sharing her failings in bed at some point in the future, although you’ve already discussed her lack of blowjob enthusiasm with your mates in the pub, adding a few comic touches yourself. To current girlfriend you’ll sound like the bigger man which, ironically, is the polar opposite of how your ex describes you in bed to her friends.
Do you still speak to her?
Even if you did it would be idiotic to admit it. And admitting your ex would rather take a long bath in formic acid than endure another split-second of your company will just make you look like the pathetic failure at love you are. ‘No, we’ve never kept in touch,’ is perfectly plausible and should be sufficient to fend off new girlfriend’s mind probes. She doesn’t need to know about the restraining order.
