FEMALE friendships endure for years through arguments, estrangements and falsity, kept going on a bedrock of mutual loathing. This is how to show her you genuinely hate her guts:
Feign concern
Has she been ghosted again? Fertility not what it used to be? Jeering would make you seem the bad guy, but you can still bring it up if you put your head at a 45 degree angle, practice your worried face and say ‘Poor you’. Add ‘We’re all so sorry’ to instil a sense of paranoia that she’s the sole subject of a locked WhatsApp group whose members are everyone she knows.
Give advice
Unsolicited advice is your best pal, not Laura. Pour her a wine then remind her that drowning her sorrows won’t bring Ollie back, or casually ask many Weight Watcher points are in Chardonnay. After two glasses bring her a water, pass it to her with eyebrows arched and remind her of how she disgraced herself on A-level results day.
Ask the right questions
Why hasn’t Will proposed yet? You know he’s been caught sliding into more DMs than a Nigerian scammer, but you still ask loudly in a group setting. Maintain an upbeat tone of voice and stress that it’s just because you’re so excited to attend their eventual wedding and are desperately hoping she ‘doesn’t get hurt like last time’.
Empathise
You know how she feels, being passed over for promotion at work, because you got no recognition for your presentation for Japanese investors apart from your six-figure bonus. You understand completely about Rich cheating on her because your husband watched the Traitors final without you. Apart from a few minor details, you’re the same.
Tell jokes
Not funny ones involving a Welshman, a parrot and Viagra. Instead stuff that in a less jocular tone would be hurtful: ‘well, there’s always the sperm bank’ if worried about kids, or sending ads for minimum-wage jobs when her office is restructuring, can always be dressed up as her being oversensitive with a few laughing emojis.
Emphasise her how brave she is
The ultimate power move. No context. For the perfect lying-awake-until-4am comment, say ‘honestly, we all think you’re so brave’ and walk away. That’ll show the bitch for being your friend.
