RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

Having walked past the bespoke handcrafted cheese vendor every day without setting foot in it, the people of Preston have been devastated to learn that it will be replaced by a different upmarket and ultimately useless business.

Local resident Denys Finch Hatton said: “But I shot it an aloof, self-satisfied smile on my way to my design consultancy job every morning. Doesn’t that count for anything?

“Yes, it was always empty, but I thought that was because the owners didn’t want to clutter their aesthetically pleasing wedges of Bleu d’Auvergne and Baron Bigod with unsightly customers. They’d ruin the minimalist vibe.”

Hedge fund manager Nikki Hollis said: “You know the high street is dead when even posh cheesemongers with insane markups can’t survive. I’m going to have to slum it in Waitrose for my Cornish Yarg now.

“I just hope they replace it with something else that’s nice to have in your town but no one actually buys anything from. Maybe an art gallery with ludicrously optimistic prices for ugly paintings by unknown artists?

“If not I’ll have to price local people out of the housing market somewhere more up-and-coming.”