DATING on the internet? Find yourself confronted with other people’s red flags and take it personally? These dating prejudices are completely fair, actually:
No Tories
Nothing says more about our moral code, way of life and personal attitudes than whether you vote Tory or Labour, so why the f**k do you think it doesn’t matter? If you’re a Conservative voter upset by the idea that your political opinions might affect your dating chances, simply imagine yourself dating a hardcore Maoist. Or a Lib Dem.
No marrieds
Whether or not you believe in the sanctity of marriage as an institution, a lover sneaking around behind their – let’s be honest – wife’s back is a logistical f**king nightmare. Being a cheating piece of shit is not a protected characteristic under human rights law.
No wants kids/doesn’t want kids
Deciding whether you’re going to procreate is a massive personal decision, so berating someone either way when you firmly want or don’t want them is wasting everyone’s time and shags. Go find someone who, like you, is into the idea of either having a family or disposable income.
No cyclists
This policy applies to everyone who has a hobby that takes up 90 per cent of their time. Trying to date someone who’s out cycling 50km every Sunday when you’re hungover will never work. ‘Be gentle with me’ shouldn’t be followed with ‘because I badly chafed my thighs going up Burrington Combe’.
No fetishists
It’s great that, through the internet, you’ve discovered a like-minded community of freaks. It’s marvellous that you know so many people who like to shag dressed like soccer mascots that you call yourself ‘furries’ and feel normal. It’s liberating that you can be so honest about it so everyone else can stay the f**k away.
No Ed Sheeran fans
Sorry this happened to you, but if you want your first dance to be Thinking Out Loud go and find yourself another simpering moron and stop forcing your warped belief system on the rest of us.
