subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man in record 32 friendzones

A MAN is simultaneously in the friendzone of 32 different women, they have confirmed.

Jack Browne’s phone contacts are absolutely crammed with women who thought he seemed okay, then got the ick, and now keep him in a permanent holding pattern.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez, who is not actually Browne’s friend, said: “Each one follows an identical pattern. Seems nice, not actively ugly, gets drunk and comes on way too hard.

“Whereupon he’s placed in the friendzone, the limbo dimension for men who respect no boundaries so are kept thinking they’ve got a chance so they don’t turn nasty. Then he moves on to another girl and does the exact same thing.

“Does he not realise that women talk to each other? Compare notes? He’s racked up quite the score of ladies who reply to date invites with non-committal texts once a fortnight.

“We’ve actually set up a WhatsApp group, ‘Jack’s Friendzone Queens’ and we’re planning a Christmas get-together. We won’t invite him. He’d only ruin it.”

Browne said: “On a date tonight. Well, she doesn’t know it’s a date yet, but she will when I make my move. She likes me. She says it’s impressive how many female friends I’ve got.”

Completing a ski season: qualifications to prove you're a professional twat

BEING an amateur twat is easy, but if you want to go professional you need a host of qualifications, like these:

Completing a ski season

The odd weekend at Courchevel doesn’t count. You need to prove you’ve spent five months in a French cabin pissing away your days by gliding down a mountain, preferably via an endless bombardment of inane selfies. Only top tier twats can somehow afford to go skiing from November to April and not get bored after a week.

BMW ownership certification

Just as a forklift licence is the hallmark of a good warehouse worker, professional twats are required to possess BMW ownership certification. To obtain this coveted document you not only have to possess a vehicle, you also need to demonstrate an inability to use indicators and a desire for a personalised registration plate. Many aspiring twats fall at this hurdle.

Fluency in banter

The most successful twats speak more than one language, with banter being their second tongue of choice. Picking up the parlance of good-natured ribbing is easy when you’re surrounded by native speakers such as your family, friends and co-workers, making it one of the more achievable qualifications to tick off. If you really want to stand out, master marketing jargon too.

Ability to talk on speakerphone in public

Bellowing into your phone without the other end of the conversation being on speaker is for local league twats. Professionals make sure their phone volume is turned up to the max so everyone in the quiet carriage can overhear what you’re talking about. It doesn’t even have to be urgent. The more meandering and inconsequential, the better.

Five years cryptocurrency experience

Bitcoin, Ethereum, Tether, ideally you’ll be familiar with all of these and more. And as well as trading in them, you’ll have extensive experience of boring dates rigid with how they work. If you can’t explain the difference between blockchain and NFTs to a romantic interest over a candlelit dinner, you will never go pro.

Next story ›