subscribe
/ Sign Out

Hull man proud of how hard his tap water is

A MAN from Hull is proud of his tap water’s high mineral content, it has emerged. 

Northfield resident Bill McKay is excessively proud of his city’s hard water because drinking it makes him look tougher than poncy Southerners and their delicate soft water.

He said: “This stuff’s an absolute bastard. Limestone, chalk, gypsum, it’s got the bloody lot. I’d like to see a Londoner manage a glassful. Even a sip would give them a nosebleed.

“It’s like Sean Bean in liquid form. Drink it too fast and it’ll probably knock a tooth out. Luckily if you’re a tough Northerner like me you can swig pints of the stuff no problem.

“And that’s just the stuff that comes out of the tap. The rain’s like gravel and the Humber’s practically flowing rocks. Even though I had nothing to do with making our water hard, I’m still going to claim ownership and wear it as a badge of honour. It’s the Hull way.”

Tom Booker from Canterbury said: “I get it. Compared to all the other boring bullshit they bang on about, the presence of mineral-rich water is actually impressive.”

Missed the last bus: the real reasons you end up shagging on the first date

YOUR date thinks he did everything right to lure you into his lair of love on the first date. This is the real reasons you gave up and f**ked him: 

Fancy postcode

The date was winding down. It had been a solid five out of ten evening. Then she mentioned the fancy area she was travelling back to and you were overwhelmed with lust. Fast forward half an hour and you’re gawping at chandeliers and walk-in wardrobes as you bang someone you barely give a shit about.

Missed the last bus

Thanks to your date droning on about his emotionally distant father, the evening overran and you missed the last bus home. But while his anecdote game might be underwhelming, he’s crushing it in the living-nearby department. Going back to his will cost you your self respect, but that’s much cheaper than an Uber because it doesn’t involve real money.

They’ve already got the heating on

Not only is your date clearly flush with cash, but she’s already turned her flat into a warm bank. The cost of living crisis is forcing everyone to make difficult choices, and you had to choose between being sexless and cold or warm while giving head. Nobody blames you for what you did.

Your housemates are having a party

You’ve had a long week and you’re f**king knackered, then you remember your housemates are having some friends around to take edibles and listen to MF Doom until the early hours. Meanwhile your date lives on his own and you’d get to enjoy some uninterrupted slumber after brisk, perfunctory intercourse. It’s a no-brainer.

It’s been a while

When was the last time you got your end away? Jesus. No wonder you shagged him on the first date, you were at risk of forgetting how it’s done. The main thing you remember from this brief encounter is the walk of shame the next morning. It was miles better than the inept fumbling the night before.

Next story ›