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How to pick the worst possible moment for sex

SEX is loads of fun, so surely there can’t be a bad time for it? Unfortunately there can, as you’ll discover when you attempt to shag in these circumstances.

In the morning

You may have woken up with a hard-on but you didn’t wake up with a mouth full of Listerine. There’s also a possibility your partner will prefer an extra slap of the snooze button to your sweaty genitals. By the time you’ve steeled yourself for a shower your partner is lost to James Martin’s Saturday Morning anyway. Does he know how many shags he’s ruined? Does he care? Stick your fluffy omelette up your arse, Martin.

In the daytime

Yes, you’re both working from home, but you’ve only just got dressed, so it feels like a waste to take all your clothes off again. You struggle to stay awake through your afternoon Zoom calls at the best of times, so throw in some post-coital fatigue and there’s no way you’re making it to the end of Zoe’s sales recap without slumping on your desk like the victim of a hidden sniper.

In the evening

After a long day’s work the only thing any sane person wants down their throat is a fistful of salty snacks. And by the time you’ve had a drink too many and knocked back a microwave moussaka, your deepest fantasy is propping your bloated belly on the sofa and the sweet oblivion only The Bear can bring. Suggesting sex would actually be bad for your relationship at this point.

During the night

You can’t get to sleep and you think perhaps foisting your horniness on the person next to you might do the trick. But then you realise you’re still 40 per cent asleep and neither of you have the energy to manage anything more than a perfunctory few thrusts in missionary. If you do persevere to the bitter end you’ll feel guilty about making your slightly tetchy partner tired the next day. It’s real issues like this they should be teaching in sex ed.

Sunday morning

You’re clear for a shot at sex, surely. Only you’ve got to wait for the hangover to pass. Then a hearty breakfast seems like a brilliant idea until you feel a bit nauseous. Suddenly it’s late Sunday afternoon, with Monday morning creeping menacingly closer, and the pressure’s on to extract some sexual pleasure from this disappointing day. You give up and watch telly. You can always have thrilling spontaneous sex when you get in from work tomorrow, right? Yes, that will definitely happen.

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Assigning bedrooms

The moment you arrive at the Airbnb, there’s a tense stand-off about who gets which room. Tom and Emma insist on having the double with en suite because they’re a new couple, while Stephen and Paul get the bunk beds because they’ve been together for four years. Joanna is single so gets plonked on the sofa, despite paying the same amount as everyone else. Already a hierarchy has formed, and you only put up with your uncomfy single bed because you’re ‘better’ than Joanna.

Try to do everything together

You came as a group so you’re going to do everything together as a group, even though Sophie is already in a huge mood by 8am because she knows Nikki and Martin won’t get up until 10 at least. After Lucy takes 40 minutes to get dressed, the lunch reservation is missed and everyone bitches for ages about whose fault it is. At least everyone stops taking selfies for a bit. 

Go on a country walk

Josh’s idea of a country walk is to put on head-to-toe waterproofs, get out the appropriate OS map and do a 20-mile circuit of the local hills. Whereas Ryan’s is to dawdle reluctantly on a short footpath to a pub and moan about getting his fresh new Nike Airs muddy. In the end, everyone bickers about what to do until it gets too dark and someone puts a shit film on. Hey, who doesn’t go on holiday to watch The Da Vinci Code?

Attempt to split every single bill

To keep it fair, every single amount of money spent is split precisely six ways, even if it was Oliver buying a bag of crisps and some Rolos as car snacks. However, this suddenly doesn’t apply when Eleanor only has a salad for dinner and no alcohol and refuses to pay as much as everyone else. The staff of every establishment look visibly suicidal every time Kelly gets her calculator out as the bill arrives.

Get pissed and dig up some long-simmering resentments

When you go to the pub with your mates, there’s an inevitable point where you stop drinking and go home. Not so when you’ve rented a holiday cottage in Wales. You’ve got all night to keep drinking, get on each other’s nerves, and get annoyed by disagreements magnified 10,000x by booze. The next day it’ll be hard to tell if you feel nauseous from that unwise bottle of rum or making Zara cry over a minor slight from 11 years ago.

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