ACTUAL luxury is unaffordable in Rishi’s Britain unless you’re Rishi. The rest of us have to make do with these minor thrills:
Ordering sparkling water in a restaurant
‘Still, sparkling or tap?’ the waiter asks. You glance suavely across at your date, cock an eyebrow, and press the f**k-it button. It might taste of aluminum and technically you’re paying more for less water, but who cares when it makes you feel this superior?
A paper bag with string handles
You haven’t bought clothes. You’ve bought an item, a piece, and those fibres in your palm feel like silk sheets on an unprompted erection. The boxy weight of the bag carries the heaviness of an ormulu ashtray on a private jet. And, when you take the item back with its receipt in a little envelope, you get to feel it all a second time.
Receiving a massage
Tell your great-grandfather, who fought in the war you know, you were paying a stranger to rub your back because it feels good and he’d smash a can of Spam into your face. In our enlightened age all it takes to experience an hour as a League One footballer is a few quid and lying to leave work early.
Offering a friend a cigarette
You normally smoke roll-ups, but two drinks in you were feeling flush. The feel of the filter when you’re used to Rizla cardboard is exquisite. The nicotine just tastes better. Your friend didn’t even ask – you wordlessly held out the packet to share your largesse, so you could experience this moment of opulence together.
Changing your sheets
The sheer luxury of stretching out on fresh, stiff, clean cotton sheets, as if you’re staying in a Travelodge in your very own home. Nestling down into them with only the scent of fabric conditioner, not your own foetid sweat. You could have this every week if you could only be arsed.
‘Keep the change’
As you enrich a cab driver to the tune of a massive 75p, a halo of virtue surrounds you. Money is no object to a player like yourself, though whether you’re motivated by altruism or are simply above handling grubby coins goes unanswered. Either way, the world is richer for your presence.
