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Five scam emails so intriguing you're compelled to open them

YOU know it’s a scam, and that opening it might unleash a destructive virus on your computer. And yet you just can’t help but click on these:

Comgrabulations!. Youvb beem choosen for a spec;ial priz!

The fact that the subject line is littered with errors does not stop your primitive monkey brain from wanting something for nothing. After clicking through and being informed, somewhat suspiciously, that you were the 1,000,000th visitor to Google, you still find your finger straying towards the pixelated ‘Click He;re to Claim’ button, like a massive idiot.

These penis enlargement pills really work

You kid yourself that you’re totally fine about the size of your penis and you’re only opening this email because you’re intrigued by the science. However, ten minutes later you’re about to hand over $499 for a six-week course of pills. Luckily your partner enters the room and you slam the laptop shut, breathing a sigh of relief that they’ve saved you from giving your credit card details to what is clearly a criminal enterprise.

We’ve hacked your computer and filmed you watching porn

This is a ‘sextortion’ scam, where so-called hackers email you and say they’ve got videos of you doing unspeakable things in plain view of your front-facing camera which they’re going to post on Facebook. Your initial panicky knee-jerk reaction is to pay them what they want, until you calm down and realise it’s bullshit. Still, it’s enough to make you cover your phone camera with Blu Tack next time you have a wank.

We attempted to deliver your parcel

This one nearly gets you. You did order something from Amazon. You were out at work today. What if they’ve left your new AirPods on the porch, ready for a sneaky thief to nab on their way past? Closer inspection reveals that the email is from amazonparcel@dxcsa8&.com. Even a technical dunce like you knows that this seems a bit dodgy, but you still leave work early, just in case.

Dear Beloved Friend

You know this email isn’t real, but it’s such a golden oldie that you can’t resist opening it. When you click through, a Nigerian prince wants to transfer you $1,000,000, but only if you deposit $10,000 into his bank account first. You get a pleasant rush of nostalgia for the time when the internet was a more innocent, but still completely scam-ridden, place.

Six dull adult activities to trick children into believing are fun

YOUR kids love copying you, so why not weaponise their naive enthusiasm into useful child labour by making these chores seem fun?

Washing the car

What better memories can you make with your child than spending time outdoors, bonding while you complete a task? They’ll only realise when they’re much older that you had no interest in hearing them prattle on about Fortnite, and just needed their small hands to scrub bird shit from some difficult-to-reach crevices in your Audi’s alloy wheels.

Weeding the garden

Playing in the garden is one of your kid’s favourite ways to spend the day. So, with just a little coercion and psychological manipulation, you can easily make them think that pulling weeds from between the patio stones is a really fun outdoor game. Once they’re into it, you can quietly slink away and make yourself a G&T.

Going for an MOT

Due to their undeveloped brain’s inability to form cynical thoughts, children love adventures to any new location, even if it’s an industrial estate on the outskirts of town. They’ll be enthralled by some old wasteland while you sit in the garage’s scruffy waiting room and gaze dreamily at the tits on the traditionally sexist wall calendar.

Washing-up

‘It’s like a bubble bath but for plates!’ you yell enthusiastically. Hopefully your eight-year-old buys your bullshit, gets through some of the washing-up and exhausts themselves so much dealing with stubborn porridge stains they fall asleep quickly, leaving you with a nice, quiet evening to yourself.

Doing the weekly shop

To a child, supermarkets are like Disneyland. While they are in a state of wonder staring at all of the delicious chocolates and crisps you’re definitely not going to buy them, you’re having a quiet nervous breakdown over the latest price hikes. At least they will stop banging on about Lego for a few minutes.

Peeling vegetables

Children love emulating adult behaviours, and especially ones that involve a tool they can pretend is a knife. So why not hand them a safety peeler and let them loose on a sack of potatoes? They’ll learn a useful life skill and they won’t realise for years that they’d been tricked into slave labour when they could have been watching telly.

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