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Woman takes photo of new house keys next to diamond ring, cat and ultrasound scan for maximum social media engagement

A WOMAN has racked up the maximum number of likes possible by cramming all the big hitters into one photo, it has emerged.

Attention-seeking Facebook user Lauren Hewitt has set a new record for the number of thumbs-ups with her recent status, which sees every major life milestone captured in one disgustingly smug photograph.

She said: “Individually, any of these things would easily rack up a few hundred likes from friends, family members and exes. But put them all together and you’ve got the perfect storm of engagement.

“The majesty of the image hits people in waves. I hook them in with my cat, then slowly the wedding ring starts to steal their attention. After that their eyes travel to the ultrasound, before I finish them off with the house keys coyly positioned in my palm. It’s a masterpiece of showing off.

“To top it all I wrote a faux-modest caption of ‘Worst ways to start the day, I guess…’, then sat back and let the likes roll in while I wanked myself senseless.

“Did I mention I’m posting this while on holiday in the south of France?  And I’ve just got a promotion. Hashtag blessed.”

Furiously jealous friend Nikki Hollis commented: “OMG so happy for you!!!!”

Neck pimples, and other ways you look f**king awful from behind

THE front of you looks halfway decent, but you don’t know what’s going on at the back because you can’t see it. Here’s what you’re unwittingly inflicting on others:

Neck pimples

You can see the spots on your face and can squeeze them, cover them up, or just be aware that they exist. However, you don’t know that the back of your neck is covered in crusty yellow heads, but the person sitting behind you on the bus does. And they are disgusted by you.

Sagging bum

You keep a sharp eye on your waistline and adjust your diet accordingly when it’s getting a bit bigger than you’d like. Your bum, on the other hand, is a mystery, as you can never turn round far enough to see the vast, drooping extent of it in the mirror. Maybe that’s for the best. The reality would just make you miserable.

Deranged hair

The front of your hair is blow-dried to perfection, and then carefully styled with a blob of expensive wax. Unfortunately, the back looks like you’ve just stumbled out of a hedge after falling asleep in it after a night on the piss. It doesn’t even look stylishly tousled. It just looks shit.

Crumpled clothes

You’re one of the few people who bother to iron their clothes these days, and you’re proud of it. However, what you haven’t worked out is that they get instantly creased and crumpled the second you sit down, which means you look like an uptight perfectionist from the front and a down-at-heel bag lady from the back. No wonder everyone at work laughs at you.

Bizarre walk

You think you’ve got a pretty cool strut going on, like Harvey Keitel at the beginning of Reservoir Dogs. Maybe it looks fine from the front, but from the back you look like you’re trying to itch your thigh with your opposite knee while holding in a fart. Consider investing in some roller-skates. You can’t look any more ungainly and silly than you do already.

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