WOMEN claim to be better at everything which is sexist, patronising and above all a filthy lie, argues man and husband Tom Logan:
Buying presents
They’re meant to be good at buying presents, but then just get you a jumper or a book or something. Ask them to pick you a PS5 game or a quality air-rifle and they haven’t got a clue. Come back when you can differentiate between ride-on mowers, ladies.
Being supportive after a split
Women talk for hours about what went wrong and ‘feelings’. But research into combat veterans found reliving traumatic events can make you feel worse. When a man says to a friend in the pub, ‘Plenty more fish in the sea, Steve. Get a round in and stop whinging’, it’s actually a sensitive and effective psychological coping strategy.
Multi-tasking
They’re excellent at this if ‘banging on about multi-tasking’ counts as a skill. In reality it’s piss-easy. I can cook dinner, look after the kids, watch TV and pop out for fags no problem. Okay, the odd child may get lost but mostly they turn up unharmed with a bag of chips and 20 Superkings.
Remembering birthdays
Yeah, women are better at this – because they cheat and use a little notebook with flowers on it. Let’s see how many they’d remember just using their brain. None. Stop playing on easy mode, women.
They’re good with personal problems
They’re listening, but only because they love secrets, conflict and drama, like EastEnders. Try them on real stuff like Everton flirting with relegation and they don’t want to know. I told my wife and did she sit there nodding away with a sombre face on, like the emotional vampire she is? Did she f**k.
Not crashing cars
Let’s lay this myth to rest. Women have fewer car accidents not because they’re better drivers but because they lack the competitive edge to enter into a high-speed duel and floor it just to beat that prick in a BMW. If women did 60mph round a tight bend to the sound of The Prodigy’s Roadblox they’d put their car in a ditch too.
Setting boundaries for children
Whenever you see a child having a tantrum in the street or screaming for sweets in Sainsbury’s, who’s looking after them? That’s right – Mum. Because Dad’s stayed at home, being an excellent role model who sensibly avoids conflict.
Investing
Women play it safe. Men know a worthwhile investment has astronomical odds that mean you never have to work again. That’s why I’ve got £1,500 on Supersonic Laddie in the 3.30 at Cheltenham at 999/1. My wife won’t be complaining when she gets a Porsche for her birthday. Whenever that is. Shit, I hope it’s not tomorrow.
