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Emotionally mature man looking for serious, long-term f**k buddy

A MAN sick of the misogynistic carousel of online dating is ready to settle down with a serious, long-term casual hook up, he has announced. 

Having taken a step back from the apps to work on himself, Tom Booker is finally ready to make the commitment to a slam piece he can bang a few times a week until they are both ready for something more with someone different.

Booker said: “I’m through with playing the field. It’s time to go exclusive with one person who I’ll never introduce to my other friends.

“My ideal partner will be hot, of course. But she’ll also be cool with only connecting on a physical level. I don’t want to mislead her with romantic acts like taking an interest in her as a person, and I hope she’ll feel the same.

“Not to get ahead of myself, but I want to meet someone who abhors feelings, knows next to nothing about me and is always down to f**k whenever I feel like it. And I believe that woman is out there.

“As for me, I bring to the table a clean flat I can host in, a personality it’s impossible to fall for, and an awareness of where the clitoris is. I’m something of a triple threat.”

Potential partner Nikki Hollis said: “Tom is scum, but he’s honest with his intentions and has a plan for the future. He’s light years ahead of every other bloke on Bumble.”

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Why we all have a moral duty to join Liz Truss's uncensored social media network

Liz Truss, Britain’s most condensed prime minister, is launching a social media network for uncensored free speech. And we, as a nation, have a moral duty to join. 

Because all of us, no matter our political persuasion, have things we feel we need to say. Things which it would be all the sweeter to say within earshot of Liz Truss.

The former member for Thanet, now a speaker at Bedford cryptocurrency conference though significantly not a keynote speaker, touched all of our lives during her two months as prime minister. Well, 50 days. And the first ten or so didn’t count because of the Queen.

Consequently we all, especially those of us on variable-rate mortgages, have opinions we would happily share. And the best bit? Truss promises her social network will be without censorship of any kind!

Whatever you say on BrainTruss, as it may well be named, it will be posted without any fear of it being suppressed. No matter what you say. No matter who you say it about.

Picture it. The first day of TrussFun. Registration opens. Millions of us register. We all draw breath and type our first post, our free speech guaranteed. Knowing that at the other end of a router Liz herself waits to see it.

We could post pictures, perhaps of groceries. We could post opinions. We could interact. We could boost each others’ posts, especially the funny ones. And make the first day on TrussFall one of the most memorable of Liz’s life.

The country stands ready by its phones and laptops for this wonderful idea by Britain’s most respected pork marketeer. We will not let her down.

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