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Pub quiz just Fight Club for middle-aged men named Nigel

REGULARS at a pub quiz have confirmed it is a battle arena at which they release their repressed masculinity via knowledge of trivia. 

Middle-aged drinkers with names like Keith, Malcolm, Alan and Keith again attend the Prince of Wales quiz in Ramsgate to unleash their animal urges in gladiatorial battles which make them feel truly alive.

Quiz lover Norman Steele said: “The first rule of the Prince of Wales quiz is that you don’t talk about the Prince of Wales quiz. We’ve tried it, nobody’s interested.

“We gather together, teeth bared, bellies hanging low, to set free the innate aggression suppressed by our cosseted lives as retired chartered accountants. It’s mano e mano. Only the strong survive.

“When I subjugated Roy in the quickfire questions, I saw his lip quiver at my answer that it was – obviously – Alan Sunderland who scored the final goal for Arsenal in the 1979 cup final. I’ve never felt such power.

“The others lifted and carried me the best they could, given the stickiness of the floors and Nigel’s carpal tunnel issues, while I roared ‘who’s the daddy?’ as Roy rocked and sobbed, suffering a public ego death. I believe similar scenes occur in men’s prisons.

“The prize? A round of drinks and bragging rights over the whole district of Thanet. Walking like a man for the next seven days. The possibility of the ghost of an erection.”

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Seven reasons Britain's ancient historical trees need to get over themselves

THE felling of a 400-year-old oak by a Toby Carvery has caused outrage, but are these old bits of wood overrated and overprotected? Indoors person Tom Logan argues ‘yes’:

No one cared about the tree until it got cut down

The Enfield oak is a lot like the Sycamore Gap tree – suddenly a cause célèbre for people who walk past trees every day and ignore them. When did you last say ‘f**k Thorpe Park, I’m taking the kids to that ancient oak tree in Whitewebbs Park in Enfield this weekend’? Never, because you’re a bandwagon-jumping tree hipster.

Ancient trees cannot stand in the way of progress

Vaccines, air travel, computers – just a few of the benefits of progress. Sometimes that comes at a cost to nature. The car park of a Toby Carvery may not initially look much like eliminating smallpox, but both were done for the benefit of human lives. Two items for £5.99 from the ‘Toby Tasters’ menu is solid value.

They’re mooching off more talented trees

Much like Alex James in Blur, ancient trees live off the achievements of more talented arboria. Namely Robin Hood’s tree in Sherwood forest and Merlin’s Oak in Carmarthen. Apart from those two most ancient trees can’t even play the bassline to Girls & Boys and so are more useless than Alex James, a phrase you don’t get to use often.

Historical tree concern is media-led

The felling of ancient trees generates outrage and guarantees clicks. But once the media buzz has died down, the public casually goes back to sitting on chairs, using wooden spoons and buying chests of drawers – all made from trees. Checkmate.

Trees are nature’s benefits scroungers

These trees are living the life of Riley on rural preservation grants courtesy of the British taxpayer, dossing around absorbing valuable carbon dioxide we could be turning into fizzy drinks. Liz Kendall is right – too many Britons aren’t working but could be and that includes trees. It’s time our forests got off their arses.

Ancient trees are almost certainly boomers

It’s reasonable to suppose ancient historical trees are like our pensioners, wanging on about how it was better when they were a sapling and you didn’t get European beeches coming here rustling in foreign languages, and no doubt voting Tory.

Ancient trees can’t keep living on past glories

No one is questioning the achievements of trees. They helped us discover fire and provided the timber for the ships that defeated the Spanish Armada. Culturally trees have given us the Entmoot, The Magic Faraway Tree and Groot. But recently? All they’ve inspired is The King of Limbs, Radiohead’s worst album. Get out the chainsaws.

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