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Swanky French football fans horrified to find themselves in f**king Birmingham

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League. 

The quarter-finals of the competition has sent supporters of star-studded Paris Saint Germain to an away tie with Aston Villa, who won the competition in the early 1980s and haven’t stopped banging on about it since.

Consequently urbane, culture Parisians from the capital of fashion and suave elegance are reeling with shock at the state of what is, apparently, England’s second city.

PSG fan Henri Dubois said: “They claim there is a bin strike on. This seems to me an excuse.

“There are canals here, I assume in a primitive, subhuman attempt to emulate Venice, but otherwise it is a wasteland of brutalist concrete and heavy industry. And people live here? When they could escape?

“I’m told the team run on to the pitch to a song by a bloke who used to bite the heads off live chickens on stage, which sets the tone. I wish we weren’t going in three-one up. These verminous bastards have nothing to lose.”

Villa fan Tom Logan said: “I went to Paris once. They think they’re fancy over there, even the men.

“Did I mention we won the European Cup in 1982? I did? Ah.”

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How to start a war, by Volodymyr Zelensky via Donald Trump

HEY, I’m that Zelensky guy. Little guy, disrespectful, won’t wear a suit even when he’s meeting with your favourite president. Anyway, here’s how I started a war like a loser. 

First, I had this country, if you can call it a country because it’s historically part of Russia, Putin says so. A man who’s done a lot of great things for his country, nobody can deny that.

And my country had all this wealth, which was a mistake. Farmland, nice strategic position on the Black Sea, rare earth minerals they tell me. Just sitting there like a beautiful Thanksgiving turkey.

Now they say my country had signed treaties to give up its nuclear weapons with America. With America who? Clinton? Bush? They weren’t presidents. They weren’t the number one most popular president with Washington at two, like I am. I mean like Trump is.

Then I want to join NATO. Now you know NATO, they’ve been very bad to America. Very bad. So of course, because I’m a freeloader from a freeloader country on a freeloader continent, I want in. So sad.

Putin, he’s a reasonable guy, but this goes too far for him. It crosses a line. Now that line might only be there in his head but that’s a real line, a grave line, so what choice does he have. It’s very upsetting for him.

When he hits back – they’re calling it an invasion, but it was retaliation, very fair – the Europeans they’re up in arms, crying to Biden. He falls for it because he’s really such a bad president.

So I start a war against someone 20 times my size then I ask for missiles. That’s the wrong way around. I got that backwards. A smart president wouldn’t do that.

Luckily Trump is in now after that election that was rigged so badly, there would have been no war if it hadn’t been. He’s ending the war and taking all our minerals and giving us nothing in return. So fair. I’m signing that deal tomorrow.

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