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Childhood sweethearts bitterly regret not sleeping around more

A COUPLE who met when they were 16 and have been married for 35 years say they both hugely regret not f**king more people.

Having always remained faithful to one another, childhood sweethearts Carolyn and Nathan Muir have both admitted to themselves they wish they had shagged around wildly instead.

Carolyn Muir said: “I’m in my mid-50s and have only ever had sex with one man – Nathan – and I’m pretty sure he’s terrible at it.

“Of course, I have nothing to compare it to, but men on steamy television dramas don’t insist on keeping the lights off and can manage more than two positions without moaning about their sciatica.

“In the 80s we didn’t have ready access to porn or feel able to explore our sexuality. You got married and settled down for a life of imagining what a threesome with the neighbours would be like.

“People always say how romantic it is that we’ve been together since we were teenagers, but it honestly isn’t. It’s like being married to your brother and having to see him naked every day.

“I can’t believe I’m going to my grave having never even done hand stuff with someone else. Unless Nathan dies first, in which case I’m going to be making some serious hay in the old people’s home.”

Six involuntary noises made by the middle-aged

YOU used to have enough energy to get out of bed without giving a weird grunt. Here are some other involuntary noises you make when you reach middle age.

Urgh

Sleep used to make you feel refreshed, but after you hit 45 you wake up every day feeling like you’ve got a moderate hangover, without the pleasure of drinking the night before. As you work up the will to lever yourself out of bed you fantasise briefly about having one of those old people beds that does the hard work for you.

Tssch

Your kids are making you watch K-pop videos on YouTube again. Ghastly manufactured music with garish videos, stupid clothes and twee lyrics about love or inner strength or something. Not like the good old days of authentic, thought-provoking music like the Spice Girls.

Wheeze

Despite making the same resolution every new year since 2013, you have not managed to get fit. Your knees start hurting if you break into so much as a light trot and your chest feels funny every time you walk up an incline. This year is definitely the year though, you tell yourself as you sit down to catch your breath and open another Crunchie.

Parp

You never thought you’d be someone who couldn’t control your bottom, and yet here you are involuntarily letting one rip in the cheese aisle at Sainsbury’s. You still haven’t reached the age where you couldn’t give a f**k though, so you sidle away giving the person browsing next to you a disgusted glance as if they are the culprit.

F**king hell, what now?

As a middle aged person, you are at the constant beck and call of not only your kids, but also your elderly parents. You can’t sit down for five minutes without someone ringing up asking for a lift back from a party or wanting you to come over and rescue their false teeth from the waste disposal unit. All you can do is swear angrily, and then obey.

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