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'Arguments are a sign of a healthy relationship' says total nightmare couple

A COUPLE who regularly scream insults into each others faces at point-blank range are adamant that it only makes their relationship stronger. 

Tom Booker and Emma Bradford frequently indulge in vicious rows in which they hurl the most horrible abuse they can imagine at each other, and then tell friends their relationship is a positive example to others.

Booker said: “Our arguments keep the spark alive. If I wasn’t foul to her whenever I’m in a mood, bored or I believe the position of my trainers has been slightly altered, would we even be together?

“You shouldn’t bottle up your feelings. It’s better to fling a plate at a wall and deliver a red-faced 100-decibel monologue about what an unforgivable bitch your girlfriend is and why you loathe her entire existence. It’s as normal and healthy as regular bowel movements.”

Bradford agreed: “It’s about communication. Other couples only sit happily on the sofa because they’ve got nothing to say about each others’ sexual inadequacies.

“When I turn on Tom in a crowded pub and bring up an imagined infidelity from three years ago, telling him he’s not fit to lick the shit from my shoes, everyone’s in awe at the strength of our bond. Other couples couldn’t withstand that.

“According to this TikTok I watched, constant fights with your partner are a sign of a unique attachment style. And anyone who says they’re happy without is a gaslighting narcissist.”

'Me next,' says Boris

FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson believes Trump’s stunning victory proves that his own political comeback is now inevitable.  

Johnson, dismissed as a joke by the media and kicked off a US election broadcast last night for relentless self-promotion, has no reason not to think his own re-election is more than simply a matter of time.

He said: “It would seem that voters love a blustering, mendacious, egotistical charlatan. And who am I to deny them?

“Now our cousins across the Atlantic have agreed deposing Trump, once seen as a reassertion of sanity, was no more than a moment of madness we’ll surely follow suit. Let’s not forget Trump loved me and I him. It was a meeting of minds.

“There’s the inconvenient matter of becoming an MP again, damn our hidebound political system, but it’s no more than a formality. I shall soon ascend again, like Trump, like Napoleon, like Julius Caesar.

“The people of America have spoken, and soon there will be a corresponding echo from our small but mighty land. My place at his right hand is assured. Let’s get on with it.”

ITN political editor Robert Peston said: “I would love to be able to say he’s wrong.”

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