Trump urges caution as election may have been rigged

PILLAR of democratic integrity Donald Trump has urged his supporters not to get carried away until the veracity of his election has been investigated. 

Even on the cusp of victory, Trump has warned the US not to celebrate until it has been proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the result of the election was not due to vote-tampering.

He told his Florida rally: “Elections, you know? Very important. Very complicated. So much paper and counting. You should see all the paper and counting, just incredible.

“We counted wrong last time, as is now established truth, and the peaceful march to the Capitol was ignored which was so nasty. It shouldn’t have happened, not to Trump.

“Have we counted wrong this time? It’s too soon to tell. There could be more votes for Kamala – that’s what I call her, Kamala, such a good name, important to say it right – we don’t know about. We don’t want to mess this up, folks. Things would get ugly.

“The polls are saying I’ve won but we all know you can’t trust polls. They said Hilary was going to win by a landslide in 2016 and look how wrong they were. They couldn’t have been more wrong. My lawyers, the best lawyers, are going to fix this.”

Radical leftist Norman Steele III said: “What a responsible president. Always so dedicated to doing what’s right for everyone.”

Laughs ahoy as America re-elects popular comedy president

THE world is preparing for a fun-filled four years after the US re-elected the rollicking slapstick clown who proved so hilarious last time. 

Donald Trump, with his orange face, white eyes and enormous ego is once again under the spotlight on the world stage performing his farcical antics to the unabashed delight of everyone.

Jack Browne of Bournemouth said: “Is he back? Brilliant! I was so hoping he would be. The last guy barely elicited a chuckle.

“But this one’s hilarious. You can’t take your eyes off him. Whether he’s injecting bleach, serving McDonald’s banquets or getting his overlong red tie caught in the door of a speeding limousine until he spins like a top, it’s laughs all the way.

“Remember when he pretended he couldn’t understand the election result? That one got funnier and funnier the longer he did it until that big foam party with all his absurd dressed-up clowns at the US Capitol. Riotous!

“Oh, we’re in for a jolly few years with this fellow in charge. I can’t wait until he re-does Mount Rushmore so it’s his own face four times! Hysterical!”

Humourless scold Thomas Booker, who always brings everyone down, said: “Actually this is a serious threat to democracy and the free world. So there.”