SMOKING will soon be banned outside hospitals when within living memory it was every Englishman’s right to have an NHS ashtray. And it was fine in all these locations: 

Planes

Not 30 years ago, a pressurised airplane cabin maintaining an oxygen-rich atmosphere while tens of thousands of feet in the air agreed it was vital for anyone who wanted to smoke heavily to do so. Not a smoker? Don’t worry, you’re getting all the benefits for no extra charge.

Hospitals

What could be more vicious and inhuman to deny a man having both legs amputated for deep vein thrombosis the right to a cheeky gasper? Why, if he can’t service his nicotine addiction while under your care, he’ll barely have the energy to sexually objectify the nurses. That’s a world none of us want to see.

Theatres and cinemas

Packing hundreds of people into an unlit venue where flammable rubbish accumulates and exits are few? Then put ashtrays on the backs of the seats, love, because they’ll be lighting up. Adds savour to Jurassic Park if you can chain-smoke through it. If you want non-smoking, the usherette will put you on the other side. There is no barrier.

In the car with the family

Still legal, but how often do you see it these days? Mum and Dad, puffing away, kids playing happily in the back? Enjoying the game of dodging a lit fag-end when it blows back in through Mum’s window in a shower of sparks toward the polyester-upholstered back seat? Happier times.

Staffrooms

Children summoned to see teachers at lunchtime – to hand in lines, to collect a confiscated toy, or simply to be physically chastised – would open the door to a wall of blue smoke, figures only dimly visible in the haze. Every teacher in there would be making the most of their break by smoking unremittingly. And they were never off with stress.

Prison

Tobacco wasn’t just the leisure pursuit of choice for those detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure, it was currency. Privileges, punishment beatings or sexual favours all had their price in snouts. Now it’s been banned on health and safety grounds and prisoners have to measure out the time until early release in doses of Spice instead.