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Inside the mind of a British Trump supporter

THEY are here among us, frustrated they cannot cast their vote to make America great again because they are citizens of a different country. Look inside their minds: 

“Trump’s a real man”

Americans often think this, despite the evidence, because they spent the 80s bombarded with Trump and his sexual exploits and the 00s watching him as the final boss on The Apprentice. Men from Hertfordshire do not have that excuse, only seeing big burly bearded duck hunters from Louisiana call Trump a hero and copying them slavishly.

“He’ll make America great again”

Trump already tried that, and the years 2016 from 2020 were not palpably great. Not that a mortgage broker from Lincoln was able to dispassionately assess that, given the distance involved. Is he imagining the USA’s greatness will rub off on Britain? Does he hope Nigel Farage will bring back suitcases of greatness and hand it around?

“He’s not a tool of the World Economic Forum”

Ah. Now we’re getting a glimpse into the shadowy recesses of our subject’s cerebellum. Bored of his life as a divorcee in Goole, he’s enlivening it by imagining himself a freedom fighter against a ludicrous conspiracy. While ignoring that if anyone is owned by the World Economic Forum it would be Trump, a man who owes banks multiple millions.

“The 2020 election was stolen” 

On one side there is a real paucity of evidence for this claim. On the other, there’s extensive evidence Trump tried to steal it. So why does our unemployed Swindon heating engineer believe this so fervently? Has he, perhaps, lost something and felt it unfairly stolen? Was it his job, taken from him because he nicked and sold copper piping?

“He won’t take America’s guns away” 

Nobody will. The right to own an automatic weapon is inviolable over there. That a Dorking man finds it important that Americans be armed is revealing. It reveals that he would like to be armed. That he would find a small arsenal in his garage comforting. That he has violent fantasies about those who ignore the ‘No Turning’ sign in his drive.

“He triggers the libs” 

And now we reach the heart of it. Because while there are no fervent Harris supporters on these shores, there are many who abhor Trump. And by flying a Trump-Vance flag on his farm on the A34, prominently displayed to passing traffic, our retiree would like every passing Labour voter to finally notice him. Give him a cheery honk of the horn, why not?

£9,535 a year to doss around and get pissed still pretty good value for money

NINE and a half grand to spend a year hanging out with your mates in the prime of your youth is still a good deal, students have been told.

Undergraduates have been urged to overlook the minor matter of yet another tuition fee U-turn by bastards to focus on £9,535 a year being a fair price for a year of hard partying with the possibility of higher-paid employment afterwards.

Education secretary Bridget Phillipson said: “You’re living with your mates. Your body can withstand multiple benders five nights a week. Weed dealers make house calls. Either way you slice it, this jacked-up rate’s still a bargain.

“If you’re smart and chose a BA, you’ve got a maximum eight hours of contact time a week. The rest of it’s your own to go absolutely f**king hogwild with, and believe me I did.

“When you’re in the real world, nine and a half grand can’t even get you on the property ladder. Yet here you are getting a degree and a yeast infection from some random fresher. That’s living.

“Yes, it used to be free. So did squatting in central London. But compare it to living at home and working at Domino’s and we should be charging you double, because that’s what this experience is worth.”

17-year-old Tom Booker said: “Three years of non-stop casual sex and recreational drug use and the only downside is a lifetime of crippling debt? Where do I sign?”

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