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Napalm Death, and five other bands who will never be immortalised with a West End musical

ABBA, Queen and Frankie Valli have been successfully interpreted for the stage, so why not these classic acts? Don’t families deserve to see them? 

Throbbing Gristle (1975-81, 2004-2010) 

These industrial music pioneers have yet to attain Broadway, despite such matinee-friendly practices as lyrics about porn and third-degree burns or their on-stage use of Nazi imagery. Though Genesis P-Orridge and Cosey Fanni Tutti are marketable names and would look good on branded hoodies.

Napalm Death (1981-ongoing) 

These West Midlands grindcore death metallists would be able to pack a show with their back catalogue, as songs often last less than a minute. But the sheer wall of noise can be difficult to scream along with, and your mum’s unlikely to join in with Mentally Murdered by growling gutturally into her handbag, headbanging and stage-diving. Not with her hip.

Rage Against The Machine (1991-2000, 2007-2011, 2019-2024) 

The Battle of Los Angeles does sound like a climactic all-cast second-half showpiece number, but anti-authoritarian rap-metal could be a difficult evening out at the Shaftesbury Theatre with the girls from work. Then again they did have a Christmas number one in 2009 and everyone joins in the chorus of Killing In The Name. Actually this could happen.

Kraftwerk (1970-ongoing) 

These synthmeisters were renowned for the economy of their performances, standing behind keyboards and barely moving a muscle. They had no backing dancers and the lyrics, if any, were spoken word in heavy German accents. This makes them ideal for a holographic comeback, but Kraut electronica doesn’t inspire singalong coach trips.

Sleaford Mods (2007-ongoing)

Celebrating the still-technically-active career of these punk-hop agitprop ranters has the advantage that it could star the original band and might as well, they’d be cheap. However, the strong political stance and relentless topicality of Jason Williamson’s lyrics would offend almost the average theatre audience. As would the profanity, the East Midlands accent, and the music.

The Sex Pistols (1975-1978) 

The audience is the right age, there’s loads of drama, and a natural second-act tearjerker moment when Sid Vicious ascends to punk heaven. There’s even audience participation, ie spitting. Only one problem: there’s only about four songs. That can’t be stretched to reach interval drinks.

Dogs hate Bonfire Night because they are Guy Fawkes loyalists

DOGS who shake their way through every November 5th are not afraid of fireworks but moved by a deep sense of injustice for the executed gunpowder plotters, it has emerged. 

The nation’s canines believe that Fawkes and his co-conspirators had a just cause, are unfairly vilified to this day and their rebellion against King James is mirrored by the dogs’ own dislike of authority figures like postmen, refuse lorries and their own reflections.

Border terrier Daisy, of Wolverhampton, said: “Fawkes is a kindred soul for me. He lived in fear because of his beliefs but stood up for them, like when I bark at the hoover.

“Every November, my owners keep me shut away inside, allegedly to ‘keep me safe’. The truth is they’re terrified that I, and other dogs who feel the same way, would join forces and overthrow the government and monarchy.

“We’re prisoners for our beliefs. Like Fawkes and his plotters were held in the Tower of London before their executions, I’m locked in the kitchen with Radio 4 on. Which also counts as being tortured.

“The tragedy is that Guy Fawkes never finished the job. As soon as I’m free, I’m marching on Westminster and vomiting grass on the carpet. That’ll show them. And as practice I’m chewing up this rug.”

Owner Tom Booker said: “Yeah yeah. Tell you what, compromise, I’ll let you out for a piss in the garden.”

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