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The five awful adverts YouTube bombards you with

YOUTUBE loves to batter you over the head with the same adverts. Here are the five same terrible ones you’ll have to watch forever.

Grammarly

Young American millennials try to get their dream jobs by writing wordy resumes filled with sloppy grammar. But Grammarly will come to their rescue and fix everything with a few clicks of the mouse. Like the Terminator, it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Smug investment guy

A bloke with a very punchable face promises to clue you in on the secret to how he managed to make a fortune. Save your money – he’s either a failed actor or he’s rented that flash car and house with the pool and hot tub. In reality he lives in a one-bed flat eating cold baked beans out of a can every night.

House investment woman

House investment woman may be the partner of Smug investment guy. Or at least he’s the only person who’ll put up with her constantly buying, doing up and then selling her house, roping him in to help pack all her shit into boxes every couple of months and then hiring a van to move it all. Eight properties down the line, she’s upgraded from the two-bed semi she started with all the way up to a three-bed detached house with a car port.

Steroid fitness guy

You puny weakling, wasting your time watching videos on YouTube. Follow steroid fitness guy’s 10-step plan and pretty soon you’ll be a ripped hunk wasting your time doing bicep curls, star jumps and planks in your bedroom. And trying to buy dodgy steroids from some bloke called Dimitri from Volgograd who you met on the dark web.

Meal prep woman

Perky, sporty, smiley woman tells you she’s too busy to cook because she’s too busy being perky and sporty and smiley. For a fee, you’ll get sent a box full of ingredients, which you then assemble into a meal. Kind of like cooking really. Or you could just call your local takeaway and get them to deliver stuff you’ve actually heard of and know you like.

Song lyrics that make grammar Nazis twitch

IF there’s one thing musicians ain’t not bothered about, it’s grammatical accuracy. Here are some song lyrics that have grammar Nazis absolutely fuming.

Brown Eyed Girl

Not content with displaying a breathtaking lack of understanding of science, Covid crackpot Van Morrison does the same with the rules of grammar, missing the hyphen between brown and eyed. He should have spent his lockdowns studying grammar instead of knocking scientists.

You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog

This Elvis Presley classic leaves grammar Nazis crying all the time. Translated into grammatically correct English, the double negative ‘you are not nothing’ means the subject of the song is not a hound dog. A good editor would have stripped it all back and left the line simply as ‘You are not a hound dog’.

Hey, you, get off of my cloud

Not only do The Rolling Stones butcher the English language by using the egregious phrase ‘off of’ instead of simply ‘off’, the song was written as a follow-up to the equally heinous ‘I can’t get no satisfaction’, which needs to be rewritten as ‘I can’t get any satisfaction’. 

Ironic

Famously, none of the items listed in Alanis Morissette’s song ‘Ironic’ is irony. From the old duffer dying the day after winning the lottery through to the good advice you just didn’t take, none of them is ironic. Although if she deliberately included non-ironic incidents to wind up grammar Nazis, it would be kind of ironic that the world thinks she’s a grammar dunce when, in fact, she really knows her stuff.

If I lay here

Snow Patrol’s ‘Chasing Cars’ makes a mistake that a six-year-old would rightly earn detention for – confusing the past and present tenses of the verb ‘to lie’. The lyric should read ‘If I lie here, if I just lie here’. Had it been correct, it might have reached higher than number six in the UK charts when it was released.

You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet

Bachman-Turner Overdrive’s ‘You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet’ features the lyrics ‘you need an education, got to go to school’. Grammar Nazis would agree wholeheartedly, provided that education includes remedial grammar lessons needed to correct the lyrics to ‘You haven’t seen anything yet’.

That’s Amore

Dean Martin’s classic features the line ‘when you dance down the street, with a cloud at your feet’. Anyone knows that clouds can only form high up in the atmosphere. If it’s at your feet, it’s fog.

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