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Parents spend shitloads on trampoline so kids can play on it for two f**king days

A COUPLE spent 200 quid on a trampoline only for their kids to get bored of it after two f**king days.   

Donna and Iain Sheridan invested in the expensive toy without realising that their pathetic children would give up after as few as 50 bounces.

Donna said: “Two days after we gave it to them, we noticed they’d stopped jumping on it. I’d assumed they’d be bouncing away and not pestering me well into their teenage years. 

“They were bored of it, apparently. For 200 pounds I want them bouncing until they bleed. Ungrateful bastards.”

Iain added: “We’ve tried telling them how lucky they are to have this expensive toy in their garden but they do not give a shit.  

“We’ve had to start bribing them to play on it so it’s not a waste of money. I gave my daughter a pack of chocolate digestives to bounce for half an hour this morning. I am not proud of myself.”

Woman gives birth in pub so her husband can be there

A NEW mum gave birth in her local pub so that her husband could see his baby being born.  

Emma Bradford rushed down to the Bull’s Head as soon as her waters broke to ensure her partner Matt did not miss the miraculous event.

She said: “It’s lovely that Matt was able to see his baby being born. I mean, so did Steve the landlord, all the regulars and a group of girls on a hen night but it was nice that everyone cheered when it popped out.  

“I didn’t want to take the piss so I ordered a couple of beers and three bowls of warm water while I was in labour. 

“The bar towels came in handy and we even got to wet the baby’s head with a couple of proseccos and some cheese and onion crisps straight after. To be honest it was much better service than the hospital.” 

Husband Matt said: “That was the most incredible experience of my life. I won £10 on the triv machine and that’s never happened before.”

Pub landlord Steve Malley said: “I’m thinking of making this a regular thing, ‘Labour Wednesdays’. You get a free pint with every baby born and a discount on a carvery meal for twins.”

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