WORRIED you may still trust your own judgement rather than blindly following instructions from renowned logician Boris Johnson? Try these hypothetical scenarios:
Visiting friends
You are a family of four and are planning to see two friends, who have two children of their own. Since you’ll be in the house the children live in, with their parents, should you just take your kids with you?
ANSWER: No. The children should be sent to their grandparents for the duration, and can only return after being made to eat Werther’s Originals.
After-work drinks
You have spent the day in the office, where no social distancing measures have been installed but if you complain you’ll be fired, and fancy a drink with colleagues. But there are seven of you. As you’ve all been together all day surely that can’t hurt?
ANSWER: No. Only six people who know each other can go to the same pub. The seventh must go to a different pub and join you by Zoom.
School emergency
Your children’s school is closing at lunchtime because of suspected Covid cases and you are stuck at work. A fellow parent has offered to look after your two kids, in her garden for safety, but is already looking after four. Is that okay?
ANSWER: No. Children would be safer roaming the streets than in a group of seven. Covid marshalls will be watching. You’ll be fined.
Houseshare
You live with four housemates. After an evening at the pub where you mix and flirt with many others, you take a bloke home for a night of passion. But when you arrive you find two friends have popped round for a smoke. Are you safe if you take your paramour straight upstairs?
ANSWER: No. Slake your filthy proletarian passions with a knee-trembler against the front door if you have to. Covid marshalls have the power to enter your home without warrant and imprison you without charge.
Family
You and your husband have five children. Surely that’s okay?
ANSWER: No. Put one up for adoption. Let them draw straws.
