subscribe
/ Sign Out

Five annoying activities that shouldn't be reintroduced after lockdown

LOCKDOWN will apparently end soon, but what irritating pastimes could we quietly do away with while we have the chance?

Taking children to the shops

If you’ve ever dawdled down a narrow pavement on a busy high street stuck behind a family of five walking at the pace of an injured snail, you’ll be loving the quick efficiency of lockdown shopping. Let’s stick with sending out one adult and leaving the kids at home, forever.

Open mic nights

Once pubs reopen it would be nice never to accidentally sit through three hours of untalented people singing terrible covers of Ed Sheeran songs or unveiling their fledgling stand-up acts. Pubs can go back to basics as places that aren’t your house where you can get shitfaced.

Going to the gym

If this lockdown has proved anything, it’s that you don’t need to go and pose around in a gym wearing something that is too small to legitimately be called a vest to be fit. Keep exercising on your own, where no one has to look at your red, sweaty face.

Hen and stag dos

Does anyone actually enjoy these occasions, which basically involve drinking until you nearly go blind and having a fight with your best man? End them now and no unsuspecting town or city centre will be a vomit receptacle for twats in sashes ever again.

Working in an office

You probably already knew you could get your daily tasks done in five hours, but were then obliged to spend another three f**king around sending memes to your colleagues because you weren’t allowed to go home. Now everyone knows the truth, you don’t ever have to go back.

Why all Londoners should walk 20 miles to work, by a bloke in Lincoln

By Norman Steele

PHOTOS of Londoners cramming onto tube trains are sickening me, a man who lives and works in a small cathedral city three hours’ drive away. 

Can these idiots not see the danger they pose? Not just to themselves, but to the innocent residents of Lincoln and the rest of the country, who haven’t been so foolish as to have tube trains? 

Yes, we have buses but they’re practically empty these days and a joy to ride. Not like these London buses which are coronavirus incubators on wheels. Why won’t they think? 

So I regret there is no alternative but for all public transport in London to be closed down and for these lazy six-figure so-called sophisticates to walk to work instead like normal people do. 

I hear your complaints that you live 11 miles away from your workplace, and I disregard them. Why, from Lincoln that’s practically in Torksey. You’ve just lived too far away from work. That’s ridiculous if you don’t have a car. 

There are thousands of flats in London, even right in the centre. There must have been one within a mile of your office. Therefore you’ve only got yourselves to blame. 

It is not only for myself, and Lincoln, that I say this. It is for all England’s towns: for Worcester, for Rawtenstall, for Horsham, for Carlisle and for Chard. For us, you must abandon your fancy notions of public transport and walk. 

20 miles there and 20 miles back. Every day. Then perhaps you won’t laugh at us and mock our accents.

Next story ›