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Nation trying to work out whether clapping the NHS makes them a wanker or not

BRITONS are wondering if applauding the NHS is a genuinely good thing or if they are just pathetically following the herd.

With more clapping and pot-banging due again tonight, many people are confused as to whether it is a genuine morale boost or a token gesture few NHS workers will ever hear. 

Tom Logan said: “I really do respect and support our NHS staff, but I’m starting to wonder if me banging a colander with a spoon is really helping that much.

“Maybe we should be doing something tangible like giving them more money. Also it seems to be turning into a weird three-minute street party with car horns and fireworks.

“One guy went a bit over the top by shouting down a megaphone and they’ve been singing 80s anthems from driveways. Somehow ‘We Will Rock You’ doesn’t seem quite appropriate.”   

However neighbour Emma Bradford disagreed: “It’s people like us who are keeping the NHS going. The louder we shout, the harder they work.

“It’s really bringing people together. Apart from the family down our street who just clapped with their hands. Ungrateful scum.”

Frontline workers overjoyed as golf resumes

ESSENTIAL workers have expressed happiness and relief that golf courses are open again.

Nurses, delivery drivers and postal workers are overjoyed that other key members of society such as retired management consultants can get back on the fairway.

London-based nurse Donna Sheridan said: “As we struggle without adequate PPE it’s a real boost to our morale that retired small business owners and professional footballers can play a few holes.

“My joy was only redoubled when I learned that lifting restrictions might mean the grouse shooting season goes ahead. You should have heard the cheering in our hospital canteen.

“It’s good news like this that keeps us going through our 14-hour shifts. We’re just keeping our fingers crossed for the return of show jumping.”

Retired accountant and Tory councillor Norman Steele said: “I was able to play my first round in weeks yesterday. I’ve enjoyed the novelty of clapping for our lovely nurses but it’s time life returned to normal.

“I trust we can get back to discussing privatising the NHS and getting foreign workers deported. Our country, unlike my glorious local golf course, is full.”

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