A HOUSEHOLD is holding a ceremony to officially mark the start of months of competitive heating-related feuding.
The Shaw family of Cheam want to create a sense of occasion and mutual respect between rivals before getting down to the ruthless struggle for victory over how warm the house is.
Mum Ellie Shaw said: “The ceremony will open with an impressive ‘Parade of the Jumpers’ in which our children make a meal of putting them on to symbolise the unpleasantness of doing that instead of whacking up the heating to Venusian temperatures.
“At the centre of events will be the eternal flame – the boiler pilot light – which my husband has on many occasions threatened to put out completely if we don’t stop telling him not to be a tightarse and just put the sodding heating on.
“We will then perform an interpretive dance display. I will mime flatly refusing to purchase thermal underwear, because it’s stupid, while my husband Ian will visibly shiver in a T-shirt and boxer shorts despite claiming he is ‘roasting’.
“At this point he will raise the smart meter to the heavens, symbolising the stratospheric cost of a 20-minute blast on the heating while I implore him to at least put it on 22.”
She added: “We’re getting Clare Balding to commentate. She’s known for sport but her real passion is thermostats.”
