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Delightfully quirky or attention-seeking pain in the arse: which one are you?

NOT all of us can be manic pixie dream girls. Here’s how to tell if your behaviour makes you enjoyably off-beat or just unbearable to be around.

What are some of your favourite things?

A) Pineapple on pizza, the smell of petrol (weird, right?) and this really cool, vintage band no-one’s heard of called ‘The Smiths’. The singer used to put flowers in his pockets, which is so cute. He’s got some dodgy opinions now, but I ignore that bit.

B) Listening to 19th-century war ballads, diving for pearls, cooking bratwurst and ice-climbing.

Where would you take someone on a first date?

A) Something totally out-there and crazy like axe-throwing or bowling, to check that they can keep up with my wild lifestyle. Then we’d have cocktails at a steampunk-themed bar. That’s still cool, right?

B) An Ecuadorian-Scottish fusion restaurant that has opened next door. Not because I’m desperate to be interesting, but because I can’t leave my pet axolotl on his own for too long.

What’s your job?

A) I work in an indie bookshop by day, but my real passion is the intensely emotional slam poetry I perform at open mics.

B) I’m a veterinary nurse, specialising in a rare breed of flamingo.

Are you currently in a relationship?

A) I’m in a non-exclusive polyamorous open relationship with five different people. It’s hard to keep up with and I have no time to myself, but it’s the most interesting thing about me, according to my friends.

B) I’m happily single.

What are you currently wearing?

A) Dungarees, a pink sparkly cowboy hat, wellies, a black leather jacket and a leopard print bag I got at this amazing vintage shop in Camden. I look pretty quirky, don’t I? Don’t I? Say I do.

B) Nothing. Not even my hair, which I shaved off during the heatwave.

Mostly As:

Congratulations, your try-hard approach has landed you in prime attention-seeking territory. Calm down, and admit to yourself that you actually love Marvel and KFC just like the rest of us. You’ll be happier.

Mostly Bs:

Wow. You might actually be a genuinely interesting and quirky individual. Don’t become aware of it though, or you’ll instantly tip over into being a pretentious twat who collects daguerreotypes and holidays exclusively in the Faroe Islands.

The parent's guide to pressuring your child into sports they're shit at

THE whole point of having kids is to exorcise the ghosts of your own childhood failings through them. Here’s how to force them to take up sports they’ll grow to loathe as much as you did.

Football

You harboured dreams of being the next Gazza, but you were crap at football and had the piss ripped out of you as a result. Make your child detest the beautiful game by bullying them into trying out for the school team, and then spending every Saturday morning on the touchline yelling like Roy Keane, even when it’s just a practice match.

Swimming

How impressed and jealous would your friends be if your child turned out to be an Olympic medallist like Tom Daley or Rebecca Adlington? Even if your kid is petrified of water, insist on throwing them in at the deep end – literally – to force them to learn to swim. The crippling embarrassment of being rescued by the lifeguard will probably put them off, so persistence is key, even if they won’t stop crying.

Rugby

If you own a detached house and an outdoor pizza oven, you’ll probably consider having a professional footballer for a child as a bit naff,. Instead, push your small, bookish child into the physical terror of rugby, despite their protestations that they don’t want to be trampled into frozen mud by bigger kids twice a week. You’ll thank me when I’m older, you say, putting an ice pack on their black eye, while they silently plan which home they’ll put you in as soon as they have the chance.

Tennis

You’ve long identified with Judy Murray’s fierce determination to make her child an international success. The only unfortunate difference is that her kid had some innate natural talent on the tennis court whereas yours has all the grace of Mr Blobby after seven pints. Still, that won’t stop you trying to force her into being the next Emma Raducanu, even after she sets fire to her tennis racquet and then buries it in the garden.

Athletics

There are many different disciplines within athletics, so surely your child must be good at one of them, even though he’s currently showing more interest in coding. Appointing yourself as his personal coach will save tons of cash on classes and ensure you can make him train every evening and at the weekend, which will also save him from the distraction of having friends and a life. After several months, he’ll still be shit at the javelin, and he’ll hate you too.

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