SEX education in the 80s and 90s was a mystifying process that left you more clueless than you started. Here’s how you attempted to piece together the facts of life:
The birds and the bees
Rather than explaining the process in basic, comprehensible language, why not trot out one of the most bizarre metaphors ever invented? After 40 minutes of your clearly mortified PE teacher vaguely rambling on, everyone left the classroom confused and under the impression that birds and bees secretly shag.
A visit from a priest
If you were unfortunate enough to go to a strictly religious school then you’re probably still slightly unsure about what sex actually is. Having a man who has been sworn to celibacy explain sex to you is like asking a dolphin to land a plane. They’re woefully unqualified for the job, and it’s guaranteed to end in disaster.
Putting a banana on a condom
Nothing could be designed to make teenagers more afraid of sex than seeing their science teacher unfurl a condom over a banana. When you eventually did have your first sexual experience, the mental image of Mr Blakeley brandishing about his rubbered-up lunch was more than enough to throw you off your stride.
Porn magazines
Nowadays, porn is available at the click of a button, but in the 80s and 90s teenagers had to seek it out by furtively peeping at the top shelf at the newsagents, or hope they stumbled upon it in a hedge. Unfortunately, a half-second glimpse of a penis before getting kicked out of the shop or a water-damaged picture of a vulva did not provide a realistic understanding of the biological workings of the opposite sex.
A friend’s older sibling
Hearing the almost certainly fabricated tales of going all the way from a friend’s sibling in the Upper Sixth was about as close as you’d get to learning the realities of sex. From this, you assumed that intercourse could only take place in the backseat of a Peugeot 306 in a rural lay-by, a scenario you harbour kinky fantasies about to this day.
