BEWILDERED by all those bottles your partner keeps in the bathroom? Learn what they are with this guide for men.
Night cream/day cream
Presumably these creams are meant to keep your partner’s skin looking supple and young, although you’ve got grounds for a refund because they aren’t working. And quite why she needs creams for different times of the day is beyond you. You live on a damp, sunless rock on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, UV rays pose no threat at all.
Body cleanser
A posh name for shower gel. And despite its name, it does nothing whatsoever to cleanse either her body, spirit or soul. Generally packaged with the boast that it contains the essential oils of avocados, guava or another pretentious foodstuff. It’s essentially a fruit salad in a squeezy bottle that set you back 20 quid at Christmas.
Cleansing water
This is apparently different to tap water, which you’ve been washing with for years and it’s done you no harm. Probably has a bit of soap squirted into it to protect the manufacturers from false advertising, but this makes you question why there’s another bar of f**king soap by the sink? Maybe your male brain was never meant to understand.
Eye make-up remover
The flesh around a woman’s eyes is as delicate as damp tissue paper, so it needs an extra sensitive product to remove the gunk she clumsily smears onto it. Cleansing water obviously doesn’t suffice, and you’re a chauvinistic wanker if you think otherwise. Also a tiny bottle of the stuff costs shitloads, which you must never complain about.
Hair hydration foundation spray
Foundation spray keeps a woman’s hair looking moist and silky after taking a shower, even though it’s already f**king soaking wet. It’s typically applied after both shampoo and conditioner, two other products you don’t understand. What’s wrong with washing your hair with the same shower gel you use to scrub your balls? Coincidentally, you’re going bald at 42.
