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How to carefully mix your drinks for the ultimate all-day hangover

YOU’RE drinking tonight, but have you planned your alcohol consumption to create a hangover that will take you out for 24 hours? Follow this guide:

An early wine

Begin with white or red wine with a meal at home, for an edge of sophistication when you’ll be honking into the toilet at 5am. Take another, then follow with an effervescent Prosecco as a base layer to make your stomach burn.

A few pints

Never mix grape and grain, some say, omitting to append ‘unless you do it immediately’. So hit the pub and sink a few lagers, bitters, Guinness or even a white Belgian beer to bring your bloodstream alive with alcohol and to get you raw-throated on fags.

Cocktails

It’s time to start pre-mixing your intake. Go to a bar and order any cocktail that combines a number of spirits, creating a hammer-blow of intoxication which will be mirrored in your head tomorrow. Fruity concoctions will give your vomit a colourful and permanently-staining touch.

Shots

You’ve moved away from the bloating pints now. You just need a few hits of alcohol to keep attacking the brain and get it good and sore. When your friend arrives with a tray of sickly shots he was trying to get girls to do with him but they wouldn’t, steal them and neck the lot. Shame to waste them.

Pints again

You’ve ended up in the only pub open at 1am and are too leathered to do anything except wash the sickly shot taste from your mouth with lager. Or possibly cider, at this stage you’re unsure. This will set your guts to a fine, lurching whirl.

Whatever’s at home

Wine, gin, rum or WKD, finish whatever’s left. It’s poison at this point. Stagger to bed, leaving half a glass of it behind, and regain consciousness at 4.35am for 24 hours of a crushing headache, throwing up, the shits, sweating and dread. You did it!

Town that relies on tourists f**king hates tourists

A TOWN whose entire economy relies on the money brought in by tourists absolutely hates them, it has been confirmed.

Despite living or dying by the seasonal trade brought in by tourists and holidaymakers, the people of St Ives loathe out-of-towners with every fibre of their beings and wish they would leave them alone forever.

Local shop owner Tom Logan said: “If it wasn’t for people coming down here and spending their hard-earned cash on my overpriced souvenirs then I’d be unemployed and homeless. But I don’t see why I should be grateful to them.

“You should see the way they arrogantly stay in our hotels, smugly eat in our cafes and generally prop up our financial infrastructure with their generosity. It makes me sick.

“If I were in charge then twats who don’t know our ways would be barred from entry, yet somehow I’d still manage to make a living. A direct debit would probably do the trick.”

Visitor Mary Fisher said: “I had a lovely holiday in St Ives, the spectacular coastal scenery really lived up to my expectations. I’ll never return though because it was full of miserable f**kers who I hope all go under.”

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