THE world is a magical wonderland in the eyes of a child. Even these places you now know to be awful seemed amazing.
Furniture shops
While your parents argued about which couch to get to replace the one mauled by your elderly, incontinent dog, you were free to explore DFS to your heart’s content. An entire warehouse in a Sheffield industrial estate full of sofas for you to jump all over, you were in heaven. Until you were sworn at for the first time by the floor manager.
Service stations
For your father, a service station was a necessary toilet break on the drive to Pontins so he wouldn’t shit himself. For you it was Narnia on the M1, only better because Narnia didn’t have a Little Chef next to a playground covered in broken glass. Plus that faun prick Mr Tumnus was nowhere to be seen.
Garden centres
In adulthood, garden centres are nothing more than a convenient refuge from your imploding marriage. As a kid though your imagination transformed them into prehistoric jungles where a velociraptor could be hiding behind a display pile of compost sacks. Sadly, one never did leap out and eat your parents, no matter how hard you wished.
Pet shops
When you were young, pet shops were essentially zoos where you got to watch rabbits and guinea pigs scamper around for hours on end. Now you’re older you notice all the shit pellets lining their cages, and the whole place feels like a battery farm. Pet shops keep kids entertained for free though, so they’re not all bad.
A giant supermarket
The supermarket was a sensory overload for your tiny brain as you got pushed around aisles of beans and bleach from the comfort of your trolley chair. That’s why you let out unending screeches of joy until your parents bought you some chocolate. As an adult you’re resigned to screaming internally as you pick up a chicken tikka masala ready meal for one.
