GIVING up smoking has put Barack Obama in the mood to launch a few warheads, it emerged last night.
At an impromptu press conference seemingly arranged as an excuse to have a go at someone, the harried-looking US president warned Iran and North Korea that this would be a really, really, bad time to pull any of their shit.
He said: “I want to send a clear message to all potential agitators, any enemies of freedom – I am on the Nicorette gums. And frankly, they don’t seem to be doing a whole fat fucking lot of good.
“Also Allen Carr’s ‘Easyway’ is not living up to its name.
“So if we send weapons inspectors to your godforsaken country in the next few days, you’d better fucking let them in.
“And don’t even think of trying that oh-we’re-just-testing-some-missiles-in-the-ocean-to-see-what-happens antagonistic brinkmanship bullshit. Unless you like the idea of everything you’ve ever known or loved being atomically fried.
“Because believe me, those nukes will be heading your way in less time than it would take smoke a lovely, juicy full fat Marlboro that smells better, richer, more invigorating than a cedar wood forest after a late spring shower.
“Maybe in a few weeks’ time I’ll turn a blind eye to your crap. Right now though, I am drinking a lot of coffee, I’m not sleeping and the only thing keeping my smoke hand busy is the big red button it keeps tapping on.”
He added: “Any of you idiots want to ask a fucking question?”
