Health

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned.

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

RATHER than endlessly carping about testing, the British public should take a leaf out of my book and use the tried-and-tested methods of Victorian physicians. Here is a selection.

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.

HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.

SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.

A ILL-JUDGED bedtime routine can ruin the whole of the next day. These simple habits will ensure you wake up completely buggered from the outset.

A MAN dragged away from a group of six people by armed Covid marshalls is desperately pleading that he does not know them.

THE coronavirus has admitted being a bit confused about who it is allowed to infect in England, Scotland and Wales under new rules.