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Today's random restrictions, by region

THE government will today announce a new set of regional Covid restrictions, all of which are different and none of which are comprehensible. Here they are: 

North London: Pubs to open on odd-numbered hours only to discourage all-day drinking. Conversely, restaurants will open on even-numbered hours only. Wetherspoons counts as both. 

East Ayrshire: Masks to be worn indoors at all times unless drinking or eating, and hats to be worn at all times when drinking or eating. One-way system instigated in The Harbour Bar, Troon, ONLY. 

Warwickshire: Families allowed to meet each other indoors as long as they are blood relatives. In-laws must stand in the garden and wave. Conversation about cars permitted. 

Powys: Evacuation of Powys and mid-Wales begins at 2am tomorrow and must be completed by 6am. Anyone remaining in the area after that point will be fined. 

Barsetshire: Households may mix in groups of six and six only. If there are five or fewer people, mixing will be punishable by tarring, feathering and banishment. 

Bolton: Lockdown is now permanent. 

Luton: Everyone to be given a medal. 

County Fermanagh: Hairdressers and nail bars closed from Friday but live music performances indoors are authorised as long as there are 7,500 or more attendees and the band is Def Leppard.

Rutland: All restrictions waived to encourage tourism to region. Grouse shooting from quad bikes subsidised at £140 per person, per day. 

Isle of Wight: Rule of six continues to apply. 10pm curfew continues to apply. Media blackout on Dominic Cummings’ Covid app gaining sentience and taking over local government and police force continues to apply.

Five terrifying email subject lines that will make you cry into your keyboard

YOU’RE having a productive day. You’re cruising towards inbox zero. But all it takes is one of these ominously worded email subjects to reduce you to a sobbing mess.

‘Baby shower: save the date!’

You’ve managed to keep your pregnant friend’s excitement at bay by giving their ultrasound photo a cursory like on Facebook, but this email locks you into more baby tedium. Practise saying “Don’t they look lovely?” so you can cruise through it with minimum effort.

‘Business restructure (P45s attached)’

There’s no point even opening this email, the name says it all. Save yourself the misery of reading a bunch of corporate jargon about how you’ve not hit your KPIs by simply deleting it. Then open up your CV and LinkedIn and remember it’s full of more daft business jargon.

‘Your EDF energy bill is now due’ 

This usually arrives when your bank balance is looking healthier than usual and you’re planning a few pleasing purchases to take your mind off the current gloom. As if the eye-watering bill wasn’t painful enough, the smart meter they relentlessly pestered you into installing was meant to save you money, not end up costing you more.

‘Your clingy acquaintance has sent you a friend request’

You’ve got two options. Ignore this email and the Facebook notification, then lie to the person you don’t really know about how you didn’t see either of them. Or you can let a weirdo into your life and watch as they like every single photo and status you posted. It’s a no-brainer: hit delete.

‘Mum’

This email sent by your dad at 2am is deeply worrying due to the lack of information and odd time to send it. Then you realise it’s nearly her birthday and this is your dad’s desperate plea for present ideas that aren’t completely terrible, like oven gloves.

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