Health

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

RATHER than endlessly carping about testing, the British public should take a leaf out of my book and use the tried-and-tested methods of Victorian physicians. Here is a selection.

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.

HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.

SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.

A ILL-JUDGED bedtime routine can ruin the whole of the next day. These simple habits will ensure you wake up completely buggered from the outset.

A MAN dragged away from a group of six people by armed Covid marshalls is desperately pleading that he does not know them.

THE coronavirus has admitted being a bit confused about who it is allowed to infect in England, Scotland and Wales under new rules.

WORRIED you may still trust your own judgement rather than blindly following instructions from renowned logician Boris Johnson? Try these hypothetical scenarios: