Health

IS your natural instinct to treat the three-tier lockdown as a load of bollocks that doesn’t apply to you? Here are some great ways to be a dick. 

THE Welsh have installed a network of foolproof Scouse-detectors along their northern border. 

DO you get the feeling the government is using jargon like ‘circuit breaker’ and ‘moonshot’ to hide its total lack of competence? Here are some more appropriate terms to use in the crisis.

THE British public has agreed it can put up with a two-week circuit-breaker lockdown as long as they are promised this is the last one.

THE government is introducing a  three-tier lockdown system because Dominic Cummings doesn’t believe you can grasp numbers higher than three. This is how it will work.

THE Northern version of coronavirus is spreading like wildfire because it is well hard and kicks shit out of your immune system, scientists have confirmed.

THE government's plan to close pubs across Northern England has been met with surprise as regulars say their favourite hostelries present far greater dangers than catching coronavirus.  

KIDS have revealed that coughing briefly in the morning can get them a large number of days off school.  

A MAN is planning to get ripped by taking some weights out of the box they came in and putting them in the spare room. 

WALES is threatening to imprison visitors to the country from Covid hotspots in England. If you get locked up by the Heddlu, here’s how to bust out of Cymru.