Health

FACEMASKS are compulsory in shops from July 24, but many senior Brexiters are unable to comply on medical grounds. Roy Hobbs explains why:

A MAN has shown that is humanly possible to run for 10km without first telling the world about it on Facebook with a link to a JustGiving page.

BEAR with me; I only found out about this mask decision five minutes ago and now I’m in front of the cameras justifying it. F**king Boris.

OUTRAGED at the idea of strapping a life-saving piece of cloth to your face? Here’s how to justify your pointless opposition to face masks.

FEELING starved of human contact more than usual? Looking to score now the pubs are reopening? It’s still not safe to pull so extend your dry spell with these COVID-themed chat-up lines.

THE government has given the all-clear for enclosed spaces in which people grunt, thrash around and spray body fluids to open again this month.

A MAN who leaves the house in brightly coloured plastic clogs refuses to wear protective face masks because he thinks they make him look stupid.

ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now?

A COUPLE angry they will be fined if they do not send their kids to school are looking forward to a visit to a busy beach.

LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.