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Rishi Sunak's guide to getting an NHS GP appointment

IGNORE my millions everyone, because I’m just like you guys and definitely use the NHS all the time. Here’s my step-by-step guide to getting a GP appointment.

Ring as soon as they open

GPs are very busy – because of the pandemic, remember, not Tory underfunding – so you’ve got to ring the surgery as soon as it opens. I get my assistant to do it, but maybe you could ask your small children. Please don’t go direct to A&E. We’re running out of corridors to put trolleys in and having to leave people on the roof in a cagoule. 

Carefully explain your symptoms

The phone will be answered by a cheerful and not-at-all-horrifically-overworked-and-miserable receptionist. Explain your symptoms with as much detail as possible. When they say ‘That’s enough information, I’ve got 102 other people waiting’ remind them that you’ll soon be privatising their job and giving it to a robot. Oh, sorry, only I can say that.

Wait for a call back

Once you’ve explained your problem you’ll have to wait a while for the doctor to ring you back. Will it be one hour or six hours? No one knows, which is part of the fun. In the meantime, you can do something useful, like pop to the shops. I’ve got a private jet so I’ll nip to Paris for a coffee and my favourite fromage.

Treat your doctor with respect

When your doctor or nurse finally calls, it’s important to be nice to them even if you’re in severe pain or vomiting into a bucket. You certainly shouldn’t accuse them of being greedy Bolshevik bastards who are constantly striking and should be grateful for getting a free stethoscope. That would be rude, so I only say it in cabinet meetings.

Say ‘F**k this’ and call Bupa instead

Yes, I said I was registered with the NHS but that doesn’t mean I actually use it. Important people like me can’t be expected to use such a shit service, shame you guys have to put up with it. So I’ve no choice but to ring Bupa while you lot make your own splints and cauterise your wounds on the gas fire. It’s unfair, but you should have thought about that when you decided to be poor.

10 dating app opening lines to f**k things up before you get started

A GOOD opening line on a dating app can be the difference between getting lucky and dying alone. Try not to bollocks it up with one of these openers.

Fancy a f**k?

Although this is the question you’re both dancing around as you tediously ask about favourite holiday destinations and whether they’re a cat person or a dog person, it’s pretty unromantic. You may as well type, ‘How do you feel about helping me ejaculate?’

Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you. 

It’s a lot quicker to tap out ‘I am an idiot’.

Be honest, what made you click on me? 

Honest answers would be: ‘You look available because you’re not too good-looking’, ‘Your salary’ and ‘You’re the spitting image of my ex’. Don’t invite honesty into a relationship before you’re at a stage where you’re both trapped.

What’s your spirit animal?

No, just no. Any mention of the Zodiac, homoeopathy or Wicca reveals you’re a scatty loser holding your messy life together with the sticking plasters of self-help and New Age bollocks.

How do you feel about kids?

Refusing to commit is bad, but ‘Whoa I’m out of here’ is probably the sensible response here. Even the most kid-friendly bloke is going to think twice about being stuck raising four kids with a desperate stranger. Hear that rustling sound? That’s a willy shrivelling up.

Hi

There’s keeping things simple and there’s keeping things so characterless and boring the person will probably conclude that dying alone is a risk worth taking compared to going on a single dull-as-f**k date with you. 

My favourite band’s Nirvana, what’s yours?

Rookie mistake! Never give away your preferences first. Ask them what films/foods/sexual positions they favour then pretend you like them too if they’re hot. Also gives you a chance to bale if they like tofu and Coldplay.

Your smile is like Expelliarmus: disarming

All references to Harry Potter are a terrible mistake. 

Can I **** you in the ****** with a ******** dressed as **** *****? 

It’s good to be candid and upfront about your desires, but however boring it is it’s normal to find out a few basic things about your potential date like their job. Save your kinks for after a good few drinks. And don’t go into proctological detail over your gastropub sausage and mash. 

You might remember me from school?

It’s better to assume a new identity than remind them you were some spod from sixth form. No matter how hot you’ve become, they’ll only be able to picture you covered in acne and parping out notes on your trumpet like a twat in the school orchestra.

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