DID you know the wank bank in men’s heads can be navigated like a ‘mind castle’? Here psychologist Dr Donna Sheridan takes you inside a typical man’s masturbatory archives.
The obvious wanks hallway
The entrance to the wank bank contains the most predictable wanking material: Pamela Anderson, Emily Ratajkowski and Rihanna. Like your hallway at home, no one spends much time in it.
The teenage self-abuse living room
Here you’ll find everyone from a fit drama student in a 1988 production of The Tempest on a school trip, to a random model in a shower in the Argos catalogue. It’s f**king relentless: Mrs Palmer the distractingly cute Maths teacher, Rachel Hughes from 3JW in dodgy gym kit, Kate O’Mara in the opening credits of Triangle. It’s a miracle your wanked-out brain could remember what terminal moraine was.
The IKEA nerd wanks storage unit
The living room may also contain an imaginary flatpack shelf/drawer unit. Open it and you’ll find tragically nerdy wank fantasies: Judge Anderson, Saavik, both Galadriels and, somewhat worryingly, the featureless EVE robot from WALL-E.
The Billie Piper dog basket
Not in any way implying that Billie is unattractive, just that she’s a loveable, ever-faithful presence in the wank bank.
The upmarket wank fodder conservatory
This traditional conservatory stores totally unattainable women: Keira Knightley, Helena Bonham Carter, Liz Hurley, Kate Beckinsale, Charlotte Rampling. Even so it’s wise not to sit down, the rattan sofa is a bit sticky.
The stairs
Just stairs. Even a mental construct needs a way of getting between floors.
The 90s lad’s mag bedroom
Full of surprisingly clear 1990s lad’s mag memories: Lucy Pinder, Natalie Appleton, Kirsty Gallacher. Unfortunately you’ll be put off your stroke by wondering what happened to Kathy Lloyd.
The co-workers bathroom
Wanking material accrued from endless crap jobs. Contains the odd real-life ex, but mainly memories of the one super-attractive co-worker who smashed all her male colleagues’ pathetic fantasies into a million tiny pieces when she brought her preternaturally good-looking fiance on £300k a year to the office Christmas party.
The ex-girlfriend spare bedroom
Like a real spare room, this is incredibly handy to have, either for guests, storing old computer equipment, or providing highly detailed wank material.
The deepest fantasies main bedroom
Turn left after the id on the landing, and you’ll find yourself in the dark heart of the wank bank. Here the most private fantasies lurk: rescuing Janet Ellis from Mr Noseybonk, Taylor Swift in Cats, the naked woman from the painting The Wings of Love. Shit, is that Maid Marian the cartoon fox from the 1973 Disney film Robin Hood? Yes. Yes it is. Time to leave.
